Haunted

Where am I now?

2010-07-14T14:58:00.000-05:00

New place, same crazy. I was officially removed from Crazy Land two days before Christmas a year ago. I left with a whopping $2k severance pay and that, my friends, is it. Furthermore, I had to endure over six hours of Owner delivering the news. Yes, by that time, I was more than ready to go. Now I'm with the State. Craziness in a new form. Perfect examples: We're an entrepreneurial

just checking

2010-07-14T14:50:00.000-05:00

Are we still publishing?

Psychological Waterboarding

2008-12-10T13:14:00.003-06:00

Panic off. Instead of relying on rumors, Owner has turned up some reliable sources regarding the financial health of our clients.That noise you hear is me laughing insanely and beating my head against the wall.I won't get fooled again. No matter what the annual salary hit I'll take, I've had enough. In the meantime, cackle cackle whack whack.

Poison Pen Letter

2008-12-09T15:49:00.003-06:00

Owner is back from his sick bed and maniacally focused on sending the business into the proverbial trash can. Today, I'm angry. Golf Pro and his father, a stockholder, are planning to suck up one of the clients the Pro has carefully cultivated over the years by neglecting. By the way, this is Pro's only client and one that existed prior to his employment. Pro foolishly believes this one client

I'm Not Home Yet

2008-12-04T10:55:00.003-06:00

12.4.08I threw away my prosthesis Monday night and moved my wigs off of my dresser. I don't know why it's taken so long, nor do I know why there are still things I can't look at and can't get rid of.I have several tote bags in my bedroom that I've used in the 3 years I've shuttled back and forth between here and M.D. Anderson. They're filled with insurance forms, bills, magazines, puzzle books.

Rules For Living In Crazy Land

2008-12-03T08:25:00.004-06:00

Rule Number One for Living in Crazy Land: Let go of ego and resentment.Rule Number Two: Remember that everyone here is suffering because of their own inability to let go of ego.There's no need for anger or fantasies of sabotage. That self-indulgence merely leads me farther down the road into the Crazy Land wilderness where dysfunction flourishes. I don't do dysfunctional. I guess that would

Jingling Bling

2008-12-01T12:13:00.004-06:00

Thanksgiving being (thankfully) over, the Festal Pig has returned to plague Crazy Land with jingly bling. We have a minimal staff today--Golf Pro (wonder of wonders!), Mr. Moneybags, The Information Superhighway, IT Boy, Moneybags' daughter, Morose Owner and, of course, yours truly, the Festal Pig. Were it not for the constant jingle jingle of my bracelet, Crazy Land would be utterly grim.Though

Dream Catcher

2008-11-25T11:42:00.000-06:00

I dream of everyone on the planet having enough food to eat, shelter from the elements and hope for the future. I dream of peace among all people.

In Which Hubby Gets A Job

2008-11-25T10:49:00.005-06:00

Hubby has a job--an actual get-up-in-the-morning, get-paid-regularly job. I found the job listing online one day when it dawned on me that the Texas Legislature will be convening in January. I remembered that they always need proofreaders. Hubby is one of the best proofreaders I've ever known. He's had a series of eight interviews, most of them running about ninety minutes. Today they called

Owner Meltdown

2008-11-21T14:31:00.004-06:00

Even Crazy Land has its moments. I was unaccountably in high spirits today and spread cheer around the office. My mood improved when seafood lunch was provided for all by aforementioned Crazy Land. God knows I deserve it. Well, we probably all do, except for Golf Pro. Golf Pro, of course, was not here. Though Owner would say he's working hard, the rest of us know he's working hard on a beer

Golf Pro's Crisis

2008-11-17T13:20:00.003-06:00

Hubby's looking for a job; I'm looking for a job. The entire world is looking for a job. While looking, while working, I'm obsessed with the multitude of Senate and House hearings and subcommittee hearings. I've learned a lot, enough to enrage me. Rage, however, doesn't result in employment potential. Oddly enough, when detailing my professional goals, wreaking vengeance on the architects of

Golf Pro: The Reason I Don't Own Firearms

2008-11-11T08:48:00.004-06:00

I just found out how much Golf Pro makes (note that I did not say "earns"). One of the many reasons why it's best that I don't own firearms.Golf Pro works, on average, 10 hours a week and makes more money than anyone other than Mr. Moneybags. As Bob Dylan said, though, "It's a hard rain gonna fall" if Crazy Land goes away. What does a 47 year old man do who hasn't ever worked? If you asked

Wading Through High Waters

2008-11-06T08:48:00.003-06:00

It took a while to slog through my dad's anniversary. Actually, I think I'm still wading through some sadness.Hubby and I are on speaking terms again. He's been more helpful than usual, so I'm thinking that, at least for the time being, we're on almost the same page. Being on the same page is a bit much to ask, but having him on a quarter of the page I'm on is a huge improvement.Crazy Land has

My Cancer Was A Gift

2008-10-24T14:01:00.002-05:00

My Cancer Was A GiftIndeed it was.

Alone In the Ice and Snow

2008-10-24T13:11:00.003-05:00

Hubby and I are at an impasse today. Last night, I lost patience with him when I told him I was having therapy today and he seemed to be exasperated with the endless nature of my medical/psychological needs. I told him that I resent the fact that he contributes so little to our relationship. He doesn't work, he doesn't do anything around the house except wash the dishes and clean (the inside of

Tomorrow

2008-10-24T12:24:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow.From Survivors of Suicide Helping A Survivor Heal Historian Arnold Toynbee once wrote, "There are always two parties to a death; the person who dies and the survivors who are bereaved." Unfortunately, many survivors of suicide suffer alone and in silence. The silence that surrounds them often complicates the healing

Breast Cancer Information Resources

2008-10-21T13:57:00.003-05:00

A (not complete) list of Internet resources on breast cancer. Inclusion in this list does not necessarily imply a recommendation.Detailed Breast Cancer Risk GE Health CareBreastcancer.orgCancer.comDiscovery HealthRevolution HealthNational Coalition for Cancer SurvivorshipPlanet CancerICON MagazineNational Cancer IinstituteSusan G. Komen FoundationNational Breast Cancer FoundationMedline Plus: A

Understanding Suicide: Common Elements

2008-10-21T13:48:00.003-05:00

From Survivors of Suicide(Note from Ggirl: Please pay special attention to element #10.)Understanding Suicide - Common Elements No single explanation can account for all self-destructive behavior. Edwin Shneidman, a clinical psychologist who is a leading authority on suicide, described ten characteristics that are commonly

Loathsome, A Unique Brand of Distraction

2008-10-21T13:29:00.005-05:00

This is the second day in a row that I've devoted almost entirely to Loathsome's computer. IT Boy is on his two-week honeymoon, which leaves us without any computer support. Surprise. I am not IT Ggirl. Error message said not enough virtual memory. I created more virtual memory. I cleaned up the disk and eliminated hundreds of files. Then error message said Microsoft Outlook should be

Comcast Pink ribbon

2008-10-20T14:00:00.003-05:00

Watch a wide array of informative, entertaining and inspiration programs from Lifetime Television, Parents TV, Discovery Health, Showtime and Exercise TV with medical direction sand original content provided by Breastcancer.org.To help raise awareness and provide important information about breast cancer, Comcast partnered with Breastcancer.org and several cable networks to launch The Pink Ribbon

Suicide: National Statistics

2008-10-20T13:10:00.004-05:00

From the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (Note from ggirl: From my extensive reading about suicide, I've learned that people who wish to kill themselves badly enough will find a way. It's impossible to watch someone 24 hours a day, guarding them from their own demons. Furthermore, hospitalization is by no means a sure thing. My own father was hospitalized several weeks before he

Remembering the Dragon

2008-10-20T13:02:00.004-05:00

Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are but princes that are waiting to see us act just once with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest essence, something helpless that needs our love.-Rainer Maria Rilke5 days

Can Breast Cancer Be Prevented?

2008-10-17T10:03:00.002-05:00

From the American Cancer Society There is no sure way to prevent breast cancer. But there are things all women can do that might reduce their risk and help increase the odds that if cancer does occur, it is found at an early, more treatable stage. Lowering your risk: You can lower your risk of breast cancer by changing those risk factors that can be changed. If you limit alcohol use, exercise

Stages of Breast Cancer

2008-10-16T10:09:00.004-05:00

From breastcancer.orgStages of Breast Cancer. Cancer stage is based on the size of the tumor, whether the cancer is invasive or non-invasive, whether lymph nodes are involved, and whether the cancer has spread beyond the breast.The purpose of the staging system is to help organize the different factors and some of the personality features of the cancer into categories, in order to:best

Log On 60%

2008-10-16T09:31:00.004-05:00

Mr. Moneybags called on the intercom to tell me he was going to shut the server down and reset it.Two minutes later, someone knocked on my door. Guess who? Loathsome."What did your computer do this morning?""You mean what's it doing now?"Loathsome looks confused now that I've posed that question. Try again."What's the problem with it?"It was doing things he'd never seen before and wouldn't

Anniversary

2008-10-15T16:23:00.003-05:00

Ten days until the 11th anniversary of my father's suicide.Grief never ends.

Chemo Brain

2008-10-15T09:56:00.003-05:00

From breastcancer.org“Chemo brain” or “chemo fog” are terms used for thinking and memory difficulty that some associate with chemotherapy treatment. While some research suggests a link between chemotherapy and problems with thinking and memory, findings are not yet consistent and more studies need to be done. What we do know is that for many breast cancer patients, “chemo brain” is a very real

Reprieve

2008-10-10T12:39:00.003-05:00

Owner came into my office yesterday morning and delivered a rambling recitation of the reasons why Crazy Land was being terminated with extreme prejudice. They were perfectly understandable in this rough and tumble economic environment. Unfortunately, at least some of the information upon which the decision was made was purely speculative. Rumors. Furthermore, Owner's children were now going

Screening for Breast Cancer

2008-10-10T11:20:00.000-05:00

From the National Cancer InstituteScreening Screening for breast cancer before there are symptoms can be important. Screening can help doctors find and treat cancer early. Treatment is more likely to work well when cancer is found early. Your doctor may suggest the following screening tests for breast cancer: Screening mammogram Clinical breast exam

Risk Factors

2008-10-08T13:57:00.003-05:00

From the National Cancer Institute. Risk Factors No one knows the exact causes of breast cancer. Doctors often cannot explain why one woman develops breast cancer and another does not. They do know that bumping, bruising, or touching the breast does not cause cancer. And breast

Crazy Land Crumbles, Writer Goes Insane

2008-10-08T13:35:00.004-05:00

That's me there on the left, standing in the wilderness, looking up to Heaven. Like everyone else on the planet, my financial plight looks very iffy.Tomorrow morning, the Crazy Land stockholders are holding a meeting to decide the fate of the company. The good news is that I'll definitely be employed at the end of today. Tomorrow is anybody's guess.This is where what I learned from breast

Understanding Cancer

2008-10-07T10:07:00.003-05:00

From the National Cancer Institute: Understanding Cancer Cancer begins in cells, the building blocks that make up tissues. Tissues make up the organs of the body. Normally, cells grow and divide to form new cells as the body needs them. When cells grow old, they die, and

Breast Structure

2008-10-06T10:01:00.003-05:00

(from The National Cancer Institute)The Breasts The breasts sit on the chest muscles that cover the ribs. Each breast is made of 15 to 20 lobes. Lobes contain many smaller lobules. Lobules contain groups of tiny glands that can produce milk. Milk flows from the lobules through thin tubes called ducts to the nipple. The nipple is in the center of a dark area of

Questions About Lymphedema

2008-10-02T13:45:00.001-05:00

Do you or someone you know have questions about lymphedema? Janet Scheetz, Physical Therapy Supervisor at M. D. Anderson, joins Ask the Expert October 6-10, 2008 to answer patients' and their caregivers' questions about lymphedema. Ask the Expert, Anderson Network’s online message board, allows cancer patients and caregivers to submit questions to M. D. Anderson experts on specific topics.

Questions About Lymphedema

2008-10-02T13:40:00.003-05:00

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

2008-10-01T12:45:00.002-05:00

From Breastcancer.orgYour Pathology Report Email to a friend Print Page last modified on: June 26, 2008 At a GlanceManage Your AnxietyGetting tests done and waiting for their results can create a lot of anxiety. Here are some suggestions to help you manage your

All Hell Inevitably Breaks Loose

2008-09-30T08:24:00.002-05:00

Just a brief update today. There's even more madness than usual at Crazy Land. Our bank was bought out by Citigroup, thus flipping Owner out. One of our biggest clients is probably going to file for bankruptcy within the next several months. They owe us a huge amount of money. Both Bags and Owner believe that we'll never receive any of it and that will spell the end of Crazy Land. I'm

Stop Loss

2008-09-25T09:01:00.003-05:00

Okay, let's pause for a moment and review. In the past ten years, I've*lost my father to suicide*lost my oldest and dearest friend to a heart attack*lost another old and dear friend because our relationship had become toxic to me*lost my Malamute*lost two beloved cats*lost my breast*lost three years of my life to breast cancerand now I've lost my therapist of 14 years. If the universe is trying

No One Left To Talk To

2008-09-22T14:18:00.004-05:00

I lost my therapist on Friday. I've maxed out my lifetime therapy limit.Now you're the only one left to talk to.

How Would You Like To Be Remembered?

2008-09-19T09:38:00.003-05:00

Before he died of cancer, one of my heroes (Leroy Sievers) asked his readers to tell him how they'd like to be remembered. I watched a bit of his memorial service yesterday and thought some more about it.I'd like people to remember all the times when I could have judged, but didn't. I'd like them to remember my warmth. I'd like them to remember the times I made them laugh or shared with them

Do I Look Like An Accountant?

2008-09-18T12:52:00.004-05:00

Do I look like an accountant to you? Okay, that's a rhetorical question since I've never posted a photo anywhere. The answer is, no I do not.I spent virtually all day yesterday doing Bags' job. We need to cultivate new business and have an opportunity to work 0n a project in New York. The problem is, in order to do that, we have to know the potential costs to factor into billing rates. I did

Not So Brave

2008-09-16T13:11:00.004-05:00

I haven't been reading comments or emails lately. I've been sharing difficult material and, frankly, sometimes I lack the courage to read responses. Please continue to comment and know that, whenever I'm brave enough, I'll read and respond.Thank you for caring enough to say what's on your mind. I may be scared of that that is, but I'm grateful you join me in my explorations of pain.

Snitch in a Snit

2008-09-16T12:52:00.003-05:00

So what, you ask, is going on in Crazy Land? Everything is still in an uproar. Owner isn't speaking to Bags. This is a permanent situation. I have to say, it's really peculiar when the Owner and the Comptroller aren't speaking. If we had a process, things would be slowed down considerably. Luckily, we have no processes.I had my own frustrating series of conversations with Bags. Last week,

Holding My Breath

2008-09-12T11:05:00.005-05:00

The migraine raged on all afternoon, all night and was there to greet me first thing this morning. I didn't cook dinner last night. I stuck it out at work until it was time to go home. When I got there, I actually went to bed and put a cloth over my eyes. Even in the midst of chemo, I rarely hung around in bed.Hubby made dinner: turkey burgers. He did a great job, but I may never be able to

The Migraine Rules

2008-09-11T10:18:00.004-05:00

I awoke this morning with a migraine and aching hips. These are clear indications that a front is coming through, but that knowledge doesn't make the pain go away.I was going to write about my difficulty in standing up for myself, being assertive with people I don't know well. I'm not sure why it hadn't dawned on me sooner that I'm fearless in confrontations at work or when I need to protect

Did Someone Say Lose Weight?

2008-09-04T12:45:00.003-05:00

Lisa, the only M.D. Anderson employee I dislike, pointed out that I've lost weight since my last visit. She attributed that to the Ritalin, but since I haven't taken it in a month, I don't think that's the cause.The question is, after having been alerted to diminishing weight, why do I think that's a reason to restrict food intake? Feeling a little nutritionally crazy, teetering on the razor's

I Need To See Inside Their Heads

2008-09-03T11:38:00.004-05:00

The second night of insomnia. I'm not sure if it's fatigue or maybe the after-effects of surgery or maybe the coming to terms with new diagnoses, but my intuition fails me. Back in Crazy Land, I have conversations but I can't determine the mindset of participants. I hate not being able to read people. I'm frustrated and baffled by my insularity. I need to see inside their heads.I'm fairly

Test Results

2008-09-02T08:35:00.003-05:00

The mammogram was fine, except tissue density makes it hard for them to say with certainty that all is well. I've developed osteoporosis in my hips and spine, thanks to the chemo. That aching pain in my hips is arthritis."You've been through a lot," Dr. Ross told me. If he says it, it must be so.I feel like I'm tired, anxious and depressed. I got to see Dr. Ross, though.

I'd Just Like To Get Some Sleep

2008-08-26T11:34:00.005-05:00

Another night of sleeplessness. I've been waking up at 4:00 every morning for about the last three weeks. Too much stress at work, at home and the nagging anxiety about Thursday's tests jolt me awake every night.I saw Dr. Nuesch, my radiation oncologist this morning, believing we were finally through with each other. After his examination, he said he thought we should keep an eye on the

Unproductive

2008-08-25T09:20:00.003-05:00

I'm hiding in my office today, feeling profoundly unproductive. My annual breast cancer check is coming up on Thursday. It's always nerve-wracking, even though I have every reason to believe all is well. Not much will get done today or tomorrow. Wednesday, I'm off to Houston. Thursday is the marathon day at M.D. Anderson, beginning with blood work at 7:00 a.m. I'll see Dr. Ross at the end of

Contents of Tote Bag, For Catherine

2008-08-21T12:12:00.003-05:00

I'm unable to escape my sadness, just as I'm unable to escape the paint fumes and the roar of a generator being used to power wash the outside walls of Crazy Land. If I felt like working, it would be a waste of time. The printer/copier was broken by the painters. We've been waiting a day and a half for someone to show up and fix it. I could be working on the ever-expanding database, but

2008-08-21T08:50:00.002-05:00

Before I had breast cancer, I never had heroes. The very concept eluded me. Now I have several--Dr. Ross, Dr. Christafanilli, Dr. Kronowitz, Lance Armstrong and Leroy Sievers. Leroy Sievers died on August 15. He was 53 years old.Leroy waged a mighty battle against the cancer that eventually took his life. Like Lance Armstrong, he was fearless in his commitment to staying alive. He endured

Death by Paint Fumes

2008-08-20T09:44:00.003-05:00

We're having the reception areas painted in both suites of offices. This is the second day of the project and they're working on the hallway outside my office. I have my doors closed, but the paint fumes are killing me. My eyes are watering, my throat is sore and my nose is running.If all the craziness around here doesn't kill me, the paint fumes probably will.

Back Again

2008-08-19T10:16:00.005-05:00

But does anyone care?I'm still recovering from the revision of the revision of the reconstruction. I developed an allergy to all of the adhesives they used to tape me back together. Blisters formed under all of the tapes and when I removed it, the tape took the top of the blisters off. I've now discovered a new type of pain. It was actually more painful than the surgery itself. I'm better

Loathsome Says It's Classy

2008-07-22T08:31:00.003-05:00

The corporate office cost-saving meeting on Friday has the entire staff up in arms. We're all more than a little peeved that Owner chose not to mention Golf Pro's excessive entertainment expenditures, including $2k for college football season tickets.Everyone has to give up something. Water coolers, a Bags and Highway fave, are going. Plant care services are being canceled. I'm upset about

Trying Times

2008-07-16T19:30:00.003-05:00

These are trying times. Every day is a test of whether the truths that awakened in me during treatment have been deeply assimilated. I need to embody strength, forgiveness and compassion. I must remember that all of the qualities by which I'm defined are ultimately meaningless. My treatment mantra: I am not my hair, I am not how I look, I am not my intellect, I am not my body. How am I

Ingrid Betancourt and The Jungle

2008-07-11T12:49:00.005-05:00

A couple of days ago, I saw a Larry King interview with Ingrid Betancourt, one of the freed FARC hostages. I was shaken as I saw the trauma in her eyes and watched her try to manage the memories as they arose.One thing that struck me was that, several times in the interview, she said that "... I think that many things happen in the jungle that we have to leave in the jungle." She may have meant

Loathsome Conjures Up a Migraine

2008-07-11T08:20:00.002-05:00

I was on the phone with my mom yesterday at 8:15 when Loathsome knocked on my door. Not knowing who it was, I said, "Come in." The sight of him standing in my office doorway first thing in the morning was a harbinger of bad things to come. To my surprise, he noted immediately that I was on the phone and left. Loathsome is usually too self absorbed to notice that you're on the phone unless you

Updated Injury Report

2008-07-08T19:27:00.002-05:00

Since my last self-injury post, I struck my head against something. I now have a knot on my forehead.Somehow I managed to bruise my right forearm.Luckily, no more burns yet.

The Ever-Shrinking Crazy Land

2008-07-08T17:03:00.004-05:00

Foot Lady left us yesterday, another casualty of declining revenue. I'm disconsolate. Foot Lady, though she could be difficult and annoying, was tirelessly supportive after my father's suicide and my treatment for breast cancer. Of course, I'll also miss the general discomfort she caused the rest of the Crazy Landers whenever she forced them to look at her feet. I'm going to miss her on many

I'm Good at Keeping Secrets From Myself

2008-07-04T20:55:00.002-05:00

I finally figured it out. It's anxiety. In the past three weeks, I'veburned my right arm twice on the ovenburned two fingers of my left hand, testing the heat of a grillsprained one of my anklescut both of my feethit my lower back against a sharp-edged tableI'm a disaster. All of these were accidents, but they form a pattern, obviously. Whenever I'm anxious, I'm so distracted that I go

Now That She's Gone

2008-07-02T14:29:00.003-05:00

Owner:"Now that Crazy's gone, who's going to buy paper plates for us? Who can I order to clean the cabinet doors?"Excellent questions.

Crazy Employee Culled From The Pack

2008-07-01T11:28:00.003-05:00

Yesterday morning Crazy Employee was culled from the pack. According to Owner's wishes, she wasn't allowed to talk to anyone other than those doing the severing. I was relieved that she didn't get to come to my office and cry at me. However, it took her 2 hours and 45 minutes to gather her personal belongings and leave the building. We all hid until the all-clear sign from the Information

Mint Green

2008-06-29T00:02:00.002-05:00

Mint green. That's not the right name but that's what I call it. I saw a woman on television with a coat that reminded me. It wasn't mint green, but that's what I call it. I can't see the color truly, because before I can categorize it, I'm inhabiting a different space and time in less than a split second.Where is it? What went on there? It was not a happy place, not a place for any child

All Quiet in Crazy Land

2008-06-27T11:09:00.003-05:00

Wednesday was Receptionist's last day. Owner wouldn't allow anyone to know other than Superhighway, Mr. Moneybags and me. On her final day, I sent Owner an email asking if I could say goodbye to her. He told me I could if I was careful not to let anyone else hear. I said goodbye with tears in my eyes.Though she doesn't know it, today is Crazy Employee's last day. You know I'm very ambivalent

Bad Truck Karma, I Guess

2008-06-25T09:15:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was Truck Day in Crazy Land. Late yesterday afternoon, I got a call from the Branch Manager in Virginia to report the theft of one of our trucks from our client's site. They noticed it missing yesterday morning, but thought it might be "lost." They searched everywhere, he told me, and finally decided to report the truck stolen. I got Branch Manager's call a couple of hours later.

Something Helpless

2008-06-24T08:05:00.004-05:00

Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are but princesses that are waiting to see us act just once with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest essence, something helpless that needs our love. -Rainer Maria RilkeWe habitually erect a barrier called blame that keeps us from communicating genuinely with others, and we fortify it with our concepts of who's right and who's

Living in the Crazy Land Demilitarized Zone

2008-06-20T19:53:00.002-05:00

Christopher Knight. A guy who's made a surprisingly successful career out of having absolutely nothing to offer.I, on the other hand, am living in Crazy Land. Where are you living? Wouldn't you like to have a fabulous career as You? Crazy Land has turned into the Mekong Delta of the business world. My office is the official Demilitarized Zone. Is there a war? Sorry. I don't want to

NBA Championship...and Tim Russert

2008-06-18T12:22:00.004-05:00

Proving once again that Kobe Bryant is completely lacking in leadership skills. Without a doubt, he should never ever be compared to Michael Jordan. The Celtics relentlessly shut him down.You have to wonder if this will spell the end of Kobe's relationship with the Lakers. It's far more palatable to say offensive things about management when you bring home an NBA Championship. If I had to

Cumbia

2008-06-16T08:40:00.002-05:00

I've been missing in action for a while because there are a lot of things going on in Crazy Land. I'm still puzzling out what I feel comfortable writing about in that regard. Here's something I can talk about--I did one of my salsa exercise dvds on Friday and rediscovered the joy of working out. I had such fun! It's been three years since I've been able to use any of my dance work out dvds.

2008-06-12T08:48:00.003-05:00

Yes, I'm tired. I just spent 45 minutes with Mr. Moneybags and the Superhighway, listening to their summary of the two hour meeting they had with Owner yesterday. The onslaught of anger sucked the life right out of me. We're having another birthday party today. I expect Owner to be in an exceptionally foul mood, given the past two days he's spent listening to how dire our future is if we don't

The Crazy Land Carnival Ride

2008-06-10T12:41:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed this week. It's a combination of things--the upcoming surgery and a veritable avalanche of Crazy Land projects, all large and viciously complex. I note a return of the crying behavior, but not quite as bad as the long crying jag of recent vintage.Enough of that, though. Here in Crazy Land, we're feeling the economic pinch. Of course, that's always been the nature

Surgery, Round Four

2008-06-04T08:51:00.003-05:00

I've been complaining for weeks about not hearing from Dr. Kronowitz to set a surgery date. Yesterday, Brenda left a message on the machine requesting that I call her to discuss Dr. K's schedule. I was immediately plunged into depression.I don't have to do this. I could allow the necrotic tissue to remain. Dr. Kronowitz suggested doing some scar revision on the tummy tuck. He said the scars

Day Trip to Loathsome Village

2008-06-03T07:47:00.003-05:00

I spent the first part of my day yesterday in Loathsome Village. It's still a relatively small outpost in Crazy Land, but we have to add more space on from time to time in order to accommodate Loathsome's ever growing sense of self importance.Around 7:30, Loathsome loomed in the doorway to my office. No time for pleasantries."Do you have a computer?"Since I was sitting right in front of one, I

2008-05-30T11:20:00.002-05:00

Before I go any farther, I forgot one of my aunts. Her name was Dan and she was also dead by the time I was born.So the family in which insanity runs rampant is not necessarily a source of reliable information. I never knew many of my aunts and uncles (even those who were alive as I was growing up). The following is the bare outline of my grandmother's life, gleaned from tales by my father and

You Ask About My Father's Childhood

2008-05-27T11:32:00.004-05:00

You asked about my father's childhood. I can give an incomplete and not necessarily thoroughly accurate account. The truth is, there's no one from whom those facts can be obtained. No one in my father's family was completely trustworthy. Only one of his siblings is still living, the uncle who sexually assaulted me numerous times. I'm not certain he's still alive, but as of ten years ago, he

Lone Wolf in Crazy Land

2008-05-21T13:05:00.003-05:00

This weekend, I made a bold and daring move: I bought a manual for FileMaker (my relational database software). Of course, this goes against all the unspoken tenets of Crazy Land. If it makes work easier, you must not take that option. Crazy Land requires the single most irrational problem solving method available.I taught myself a great deal, but a little help has greatly expanded my

Priorities and the Crazy Land Pool

2008-05-20T12:33:00.004-05:00

I'm busy working these days, so I've missed visiting friends' websites and responding to email/comments. Have they no sense of priorities in Crazy Land? Obviously not. I hope to return to my regular schedule very soon.My only comment today is that, if Charles Barkley says a team is going to win, never ever select that team as the winner in the office pool. Rules to live by.

Twiddling My Thumbs in Crazy Land

2008-05-19T11:43:00.003-05:00

I have another client survey to complete this week and, as usual, I need information from Mr. Moneybags. I'm psyching up to twiddle thumbs. The 3 day rule must be enforced, for whatever reason. When the waiting time is predictable, does it make it any easier? No. I'm breathing deeply while twiddling.In the meantime, allow me to entertain myself with a recount of a short run-in with Loathsome

Happy Birthday, Daddy

2008-05-16T11:48:00.003-05:00

I almost forgot. Happy birthday, Dad. I'm still angry. I'm still heartbroken. I'm still wounded. I'm still haunted. I still love you, anyway. You're the only father I'll ever have. I wish everything could have been different, that you could have been different. Nonetheless, without you, there would have been no me. For better or worse.Thank you for the gifts you gave me, even though they

Ritalin

2008-05-16T09:15:00.002-05:00

Clink. Clink clink. Clink. Clink clink clink. A teenager sat to my left, opening and closing windows at the speed of light on the public computer. Her bangle bracelets jangled together every time she moved her arm. A couple of men of Middle Eastern descent walked arm in arm from the elevator area to Nuclear Medicine, on the far side of Internal Medicine, where I sat, waiting. They passed

Tattoo

2008-05-14T11:36:00.004-05:00

It was a standard-issue M.D. Anderson day: Arrive early and wait...and wait...and wait. I thought I had an appointment with Dr. K.'s nurse to have myself tattooed. Brenda and I had a difference of opinion, though. I wondered why she never appeared on my schedule. We had a couple of phone conversations about it, but she neglected to pencil me in. After about 30 minutes of waiting as she

Shower in Crazy Land

2008-05-09T09:23:00.005-05:00

We're having an off-site bridal shower today for one of our Crazy Land employees. I am so not in the mood. Nothing like spending a couple of hours with Crazy Employee and the Foot Lady. Obviously, I need to work on cultivating a more positive attitude about this.The Information Superhighway, the Ladies' Man and I just spent about ninety minutes talking about the Superhighway's husband. He still

The New Rules, Reiterated

2008-05-08T09:44:00.003-05:00

Hubby and I both forgot our anniversary a couple of weeks ago. It dawned on me over the weekend that we'd missed it...again. I'm not good with the anniversary/birthday/special event thing.I wonder if that's because, as I was growing up, we never celebrated anything. I'd get a birthday gift and Christmas gifts, I got cards for my Mom and Dad and bought gifts when I could. It always felt like

Don't Bother Me. I'm Drooling.

2008-05-07T13:55:00.003-05:00

I was going to post something of substance today, but I took a trip to the dentist instead. I'm not really in pain; I feel like I've been run down by an 18-wheeler. Then, of course, there's the drooling issue. I hate it when you're drooling and you don't even know it. On the up side, maybe it makes people reluctant to talk to you.

Two Crazy Lands Collide

2008-05-05T10:20:00.003-05:00

I spent most of Friday morning with Owner, liberating kitties stuck under our office building. We'd had some people out to close up all access to the areas underneath both buildings. Unfortunately, we forgot to check whether there were any live animals under there.Owner called me while the Information Superhighway and I were having our usual pre-8:00 a.m. conversation. Owner buzzed the

Crazy Employee Makes Me Crazy. Again.

2008-05-01T11:17:00.002-05:00

I had a migraine yesterday and I feel the onset of another one any minute now. Must write now or never.Wednesday morning, I spent about an hour closeted with Owner in his office with the door closed. Seems Crazy Employee managed to get me involved in another one of her schemes. When we rescued Crazy's puppy, we took her to the vet our company uses so puppy could have the required vaccinations.

It's Only Tuesday. I'm Already Exhausted.

2008-04-29T08:52:00.003-05:00

Yesterday started somewhere around 4:00 a.m. for me. My mom had a colonoscopy scheduled and was told to arrive at the hospital at 6:00 a.m. Late Friday afternoon, the hospital left a message telling her she needed to pre-register, but by the time she got the message, that department had already closed down for the weekend. She thought perhaps they wouldn't do the procedure unless she

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

2008-04-25T08:53:00.003-05:00

I wish I had something fun to report from our Admin. Professionals luncheon, but it was uneventful. Owner has been very depressed lately, so he sat at the head of the table like a zombie. He did manage to take a couple of shots at me. Some of my co-workers patted me on the back, but no need. I'm very tough.I never, ever let people see what rattles my cage. Hubby knows. My mom knows some of

Loathsome's Proposal

2008-04-23T11:11:00.003-05:00

I think I mentioned earlier that Loathsome is back with us. (Settle down, ladies.) We've already had more than enough interaction to last me about a decade. We're in the same suite of offices, unfortunately. Last week, we had a 30 minute conversation about what he and his psycho wife have for dinner every night. This was in the context of my own food dilemmas--what will Hubby eat, how much

2008-04-22T12:00:00.003-05:00

We may have to find a psychotherapist for our dog, Andy. Yesterday, Hubby went to work at noon and accidentally left the little boy outside. My mom didn't make it over for her puppy-sitting stint until around 1:00. She arrived to find Andy crying. Sheba wouldn't take her treat from my mom until Andy was inside. This is totally unheard of. Under normal circumstances, she would have taken the

Former Friend.

2008-04-18T10:07:00.002-05:00

As I was rushing around Monday, trying to get on the road to Houston, I heard a voice mail message being left by a former friend. She called to tell me that she'd run across my blog when she was checking around the Web to see if I was dead or alive. The "dead or alive" part creeped out Superhighway. I thought it was a valid question, the answer to which is, mostly not. Former Friend wanted me

The Telephone's Ringing

2008-04-17T11:30:00.002-05:00

I already had plans for today's post, but the plan has been thwarted. I'm answering phones for several hours today becauseCrazy Employee is out for the third day. One of her children had strep recently and Crazy neglected to make her take all of her antibiotics. It's back now and Crazy has it, too.Our intelligent and beautiful receptionist is taking a day off. (She really is beautiful and

More Steroids

2008-04-16T10:56:00.003-05:00

Dr. Kronowitz agreed that I've healed enough to move on to the next step, the tattoo. We discussed the upcoming (final, I hope) surgery to remove a lot of necrotic tissue caused by the high radiation doses I received. He may also try to cut away some of the chelation at the donor site so that maybe I'll have less ongoing pain. We had originally discussed doing it in July, but now Dr. K. thinks

Dr. K.

2008-04-14T09:10:00.002-05:00

No wolf today. I wanted to let you know I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. Thursday I had a dental appointment and Friday I had yet another team building event. Today, I'm going to Houston for a meet-up with the fabulous Dr. Kronowitz. He's going to take a look at his handiwork and determine whether I've healed enough to proceed with the tattoo. I'll be back tomorrow evening.

The Great Crazy Land Coffee Revolt

2008-04-10T08:38:00.003-05:00

I've always had one rule for all of the places I've ever worked: I do not make the coffee. Ever. Once you start making coffee, people can get confused about your role in the organization and suddenly start asking you to go get some donuts on the way in or actually fetch a cup of coffee for someone. I've been here forever, though, and I'm confident that everyone understands my limits.I made

Naomi

2008-04-07T10:39:00.003-05:00

I've been trying to find the name of a poet whose works are brooding and mystical, a longtime favorite. I can't think of his name today, so I've been searching through poetry sites in the hope he'll be listed. Instead, who do I find? Naomi. I knew her when we were in college. We were both poets, we dated the same religion professor, my one victory in this one-sided competition. He found me

The Men

2008-04-02T12:15:00.002-06:00

Again, so many things to say, so little time.Monday, Hubby arrived from work, ready to complain about the assignment of shuttle routes. Janitor Jeff assigned the plum routes (in Hubby-speak that means "scenic") to a couple of Asian girls. Hubby gets the south side of town, over in apartment city, populated by students and some scruffy characters who prey on them. I agree that it's not the

2008-03-31T12:13:00.003-06:00

I have a migraine today, so I'm really only capable of a few random notes. My brain has an alarming tendency to shut down when it feels like someone's stabbing me in the left side of my head with an ice pick. If I'm so great with thinking with both sides of my brain, wouldn't you think I could just switch to the other side?It was an active weekend. I planted some more flowers: Two types of

Celebrate!

2008-03-28T11:01:00.003-06:00

Today is the second anniversary of my final chemotherapy treatment!