"I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal." ~ Groucho Marx
My therapist and i discussed my body dysmorphia issues last week. I told her I'd been avoiding making an appointment for my annual physical because I don't want to know how much I weigh. I chose not to work out one night last week because I was exhausted from doing some serious cleaning the night before. I was able to allow myself to lie down and rest, but the next day all I could think was, "Oh god, I should have worked out. Maybe I should eat less today. Maybe I should work out longer today. Maybe I should do both." My rational mind knows this is nonsense. I'm 5'6" and wear a size 8 dress. I know that that is not fat. I am a little heavy because of the amount of muscle mass I've developed, but that's good weight, not bad. As I undress or notice myself partially clothed in some mirror, I start obsessing again about how I should just lose about five pounds and I'll be fine.
My therapist pointed out to me that there is a direct link between eating disorders, body dysmorphia and sexual abuse. Of course I already knew that. I just hadn't thought to apply it to myself. She suggested that, instead of berating myself for being fat, maybe I should focus on to whom the anger should be directed...the perpetrator.
Well, that's easier said than done. when I start thinking about that, I tend to get overwhelmed by my anger and start to feel like I'm going to implode. It truly feels unbearable to me. I've been trying to increase my tolerance for anger by hanging onto the feeling for as long as I can stand it. As we discussed that, I started to dissociate. That's what I do when I'm angry. I just numb out and lose my train of thought. I really hate it when that happens. So I'm trying not to feel fat today. Is it working? Not really.
America held hostage day 1801
Bushism of the day;
"In my sentences I go where no man has gone before."
website of the day:
Fashion Alley: A Place Where Fashion, Trends and Style Resides
http://www.fashionalley.tv/
15 December 2004
14 December 2004
Staying in The Present
"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."~ Henri Nouwen
I'm not in any place for reflection regarding the past. Today I'm staying firmly anchored in the present.
My stepson and his wife were in town for the weekend. They finally got around to calling us at 4:00 p.m. on Sunday. I had rushed through all of my usual Sunday errands so that I would be sure to be around when they came by. They wished to have dinner at 6:00, so we went to a restaurant they selected. It was expensive, but the ambiance was pretty funky. They were also out of a large number of menu items. I had eaten an apple around 4:30, knowing I couldn't fast until 6:00. I wasn't very hungry, but there were no entrees that weren't enormous. I ended up having a small salad with some turkey on top. I regaled them with stories about my boss' wife.
Then we went over to their friends' house to meet their dog. After that, they came over to our house and stayed until about nine. They invited us to come to their house for Christmas, but I wasn't inclined to leave my mom here alone. I'll be the only person in town over that weekend to take care of the office kitties--another big stumbling block to being out of town. I think my husband was annoyed with me, but I really didn't care.
I had to take one of my dogs to the vet this afternoon. He's been having some difficulty getting up when he lies down. I thought perhaps it was because his toenails were getting long and he couldn't get any traction. We went to the vet to get them cut, but the vet was available so we had her look at him to see if there is another problem. She thinks he has arthritis and gave me some nsaid medication to give him. He's a senior dog and weighs 75 pounds, so it's not terribly surprising that he'd have some joint problems at this point. As usual, though, the bill was staggering. We have to take him back in two weeks when the bill will be staggering again. Merry Christmas to me.
I've been paying bills all day at work. very, very tedious. I don't even have an online trial to entertain me while I do it. the Scott Peterson trial is over, finally. He received the death penalty and, even though it's unlikely he'll ever be killed in California, it made me sad nonetheless. I'm opposed to the death penalty generally, but I thought his life would be much more difficult if he got life in prison. There would be much more interaction with other prisoners. having gotten death, he'll be housed in his own cell. I guess I was also sad because it was another opportunity to wish none of it had ever happened. Such a stupid, stupid crime.
That's about it for today.
america held hostage day 1800
bushism of the day:
"I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children."
website of the day: The Irish Potato Famine
http://www.humboldt1.com/~history/lexiso/
I'm not in any place for reflection regarding the past. Today I'm staying firmly anchored in the present.
My stepson and his wife were in town for the weekend. They finally got around to calling us at 4:00 p.m. on Sunday. I had rushed through all of my usual Sunday errands so that I would be sure to be around when they came by. They wished to have dinner at 6:00, so we went to a restaurant they selected. It was expensive, but the ambiance was pretty funky. They were also out of a large number of menu items. I had eaten an apple around 4:30, knowing I couldn't fast until 6:00. I wasn't very hungry, but there were no entrees that weren't enormous. I ended up having a small salad with some turkey on top. I regaled them with stories about my boss' wife.
Then we went over to their friends' house to meet their dog. After that, they came over to our house and stayed until about nine. They invited us to come to their house for Christmas, but I wasn't inclined to leave my mom here alone. I'll be the only person in town over that weekend to take care of the office kitties--another big stumbling block to being out of town. I think my husband was annoyed with me, but I really didn't care.
I had to take one of my dogs to the vet this afternoon. He's been having some difficulty getting up when he lies down. I thought perhaps it was because his toenails were getting long and he couldn't get any traction. We went to the vet to get them cut, but the vet was available so we had her look at him to see if there is another problem. She thinks he has arthritis and gave me some nsaid medication to give him. He's a senior dog and weighs 75 pounds, so it's not terribly surprising that he'd have some joint problems at this point. As usual, though, the bill was staggering. We have to take him back in two weeks when the bill will be staggering again. Merry Christmas to me.
I've been paying bills all day at work. very, very tedious. I don't even have an online trial to entertain me while I do it. the Scott Peterson trial is over, finally. He received the death penalty and, even though it's unlikely he'll ever be killed in California, it made me sad nonetheless. I'm opposed to the death penalty generally, but I thought his life would be much more difficult if he got life in prison. There would be much more interaction with other prisoners. having gotten death, he'll be housed in his own cell. I guess I was also sad because it was another opportunity to wish none of it had ever happened. Such a stupid, stupid crime.
That's about it for today.
america held hostage day 1800
bushism of the day:
"I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children."
website of the day: The Irish Potato Famine
http://www.humboldt1.com/~history/lexiso/
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