04 September 2008

Did Someone Say Lose Weight?

Lisa, the only M.D. Anderson employee I dislike, pointed out that I've lost weight since my last visit. She attributed that to the Ritalin, but since I haven't taken it in a month, I don't think that's the cause.

The question is, after having been alerted to diminishing weight, why do I think that's a reason to restrict food intake?

Feeling a little nutritionally crazy, teetering on the razor's edge of my long-time eating disorder potential.

On the up side, I'm not weighing myself yet. And yes, I do still own scales.

03 September 2008

I Need To See Inside Their Heads

The second night of insomnia. I'm not sure if it's fatigue or maybe the after-effects of surgery or maybe the coming to terms with new diagnoses, but my intuition fails me. Back in Crazy Land, I have conversations but I can't determine the mindset of participants. I hate not being able to read people. I'm frustrated and baffled by my insularity. I need to see inside their heads.

I'm fairly certain that no one else here is attuned to the subtleties of human interaction. Otherwise, they might have noticed the distance in my eyes. They might have heard my voice coming from far away, as if I were standing in an empty room. On the one hand, it's a very good thing: I'm never vulnerable. On the other hand, it's a very lonely experience.

Clearly, I'm not myself. Whomever that may be at this point.

02 September 2008

Test Results

The mammogram was fine, except tissue density makes it hard for them to say with certainty that all is well.

I've developed osteoporosis in my hips and spine, thanks to the chemo. That aching pain in my hips is arthritis.

"You've been through a lot," Dr. Ross told me. If he says it, it must be so.

I feel like I'm tired, anxious and depressed. I got to see Dr. Ross, though.