06 January 2005

Pity Party

"Bitter are the tears of a child: Sweeten them. Deep are the thoughts of a child: Quiet them. Sharp is the grief of a child: Take it from him. Soft is the heart of a child: Do not harden it."~ Pamela Glenconner

I just got back to the office from a dental appointment. That cut my work day by about 2 hours, although one of those hours should have been my lunchtime. Instead of taking extra time for lunch, I had some peanut butter crackers, an apple and an orange. I think I'm having a feeling sorry for myself kind of day. I'm not a feeling sorry for myself kind of person, so I'm trying to get over it. My therapist would say that I should feel sad for myself. In fact, she's said exactly that. I don't know how productive this mind set can be, really. Yes, my life has been crappy beyond belief and it's not that great now, but it's the only life i know. I should just get over this.

I've been doing some new workout videos lately. last night I did a Minna tape and I'm really sore today. On Monday, I did a cardio crunch tape which really kicked my butt. When I woke up the next day and tried to turn over in bed, every muscle in my body complained. That must mean I'm making progress. Tonight is another cardio night. That should help my mood. When i did the cardio crunch tape on Monday, i had that wonderful euphoria that comes from getting your heart rate up and keeping it up for an extended period of time. It's been a long time since I've felt that way. Since i was talked into cutting back on the length and difficulty of my workouts, I just stumble along day to day with nothing even resembling a good mood.

For some reason, I've been reading about the Michael Jackson case on the Smoking Gun. Goddamn it, it makes me so angry. This is a man who needs to spend a long time in jail. I'm sure he's a pedophile because of things someone else did to him, but that doesn't absolve him of his guilt. Of course, it brought up lots of old memories. The whole grooming process, the threats, the accusations that it's actually the victim's fault that the perpetrator is acting out. I can feel this rage deep inside that makes me want to break things or, better yet, go find my perpetrator and kick his ass. He's an old guy now; I bet I could hurt him with very little effort. What a lovely thought. It's probably also not so great for the pity party I'm having for myself. Nothing makes me sadder than innocence ripped away.

That's about enough for today, since i can't shake this sad feeling.

america held hostage day 1823
bushism of the day:
"There's not going to be enough people in the system to take advantage of people like me."

05 January 2005

Spinning the Wheel

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."~Helen Keller

I'm very disgruntled today. The sky is gray and another cold front is moving in. It's been in the low 70's here for the past couple of weeks and, even though I look forward to wearing my warm clothes, I hate the gloominess. I must have sun. I finally managed to deliver the last of the xmas presents today. I brought The Foot Lady's gift to her, since she left on vacation before it even dawned on me that she should be on my gift list. Well no big deal, but I just had to go through that awful gift-giving thing again. Jesus. I love giving gifts, but I never wish to be there when they're opened. It makes me profoundly uncomfortable, though not as uncomfortable as receiving them.

Hubby just called to say he's going to submit a resume tomorrow for a writing job. It would be great if he could get it, but I don't have my hopes up. Unfortunately, he's never learned that interviewing skills must be practiced. It's really the only way to be ready with an answer for any question interviewers might pose. It's the difference between seeming professional versus looking unprepared. I refuse to meddle. I'm going to have to go with whatever fate brings in this arena.

Relying on The One (aka "God" aka "Higher Power, etc.) is highly valued in the workaholics anonymous group. They operate out of the belief that we workaholics need to figure out that we are not in control. Further, that attempting to impose our will on The One's plans for us is a big part of our problem. I get it. I believe that I've spent the past 7 years waiting for The One to give me some idea of what I'm supposed to be doing other than just taking up space on the planet. I try not to ask for things, even though I might really wish for them. This is not because I'm so spiritually advanced. it's just a very solid understanding that I should be open and accepting of whatever comes, because whatever The One wishes for me is exactly what I should be doing at any given time. Every once in a while, though, I start to wonder if The One is speaking and I'm just not hearing. Or if I'm supposed to be actively trying new things in the hope that I'll hit upon whatever it is that I need to be doing in my life.

I could, and generally do, see the past seven years as an enormous waste of time. spinning my wheels while I'm waiting for the universe to lead me someplace else. I don't know. Yesterday I was thinking that maybe there is a reason for me being stuck in this place (mentally, physically and emotionally) that I'm just not seeing. I started to try once again to resign myself to enduring until things improve (or get worse--that's always a possibility).

In the meantime I've been conscientiously working on relaxing and resting. That's pretty funny. I make myself rest regularly. I try not to work out too much. I've been doing much better at it and I take some pride in the fact that I'm developing this discipline. Well, pride is probably not the right word. I'm giving myself a pat on the head.

Lethargy overtakes me. I guess I'll try to wade through some more email that's been piling up while I was on vacation. Sometimes I even bore myself.

america held hostage day 1822

bushism of the day:
"One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected."

website of the day: Frontline

04 January 2005

The Most Recent Flashback

"Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other."~ Carl Jung

Yesterday I was planning to make an entry here, but I couldn't really focus because of a migraine. I woke up again today with a headache, but it's not so intense.

I can't remember how the conversation started last night, but my mom and I were discussing childhood sexual abuse. Not my abuse, of course. I try never to talk about that specifically. At any rate, she was telling me about the woman who lives across the breezeway from her, who has two young children. She said one of their other neighbors, a man, is always especially friendly to the little girl. The man has no interest in the boy. My mother said that everytime the man encounters the little girl, he picks her up. Alarm bells went off in my head and I told my mother there was no reason ever for some guy who's unrelated to the child to be picking her up. I quickly amended my statement when i had a flashback of being picked up by my uncle when I was 5, the first memory of him abusing me. Suddenly it all came back. The sensation of being picked up and knowing that there was absolutely nothing I could do to prevent what happened next. The memory of having tried to hide from him, then trying to escape.

I told my mother that no one other than a parent should be picking up little kids. My mom said something to the effect that you can never tell about people's motives and trying to warn little children about bad people probably doesn't have much effect because they're too naive. I pointed out that it doesn't really matter ultimately because the adult is always so much larger than the child that resistance is futile.

I had to change the subject. My heart was racing and I was almost overcome by anxiety. I did not tell my mother what I was feeling. My therapist would ask me why. I'm still not certain why.america held hostage day 1821bushism of the day:"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."