Old Friends

I'm stunned. My old friends I wrote about recently have found themselves at a terrible crossroads. Old Friend B. will have charges filed against her today in connection with the allegation that she offered one of her students a good grade in exchange for some act of violence against her daughter's boyfriend. I read that moments ago in her local newspaper.

That's all I know. I'm heartbroken and baffled. My husband believes this is a "world class rush to judgment." Sadly, I'm not certain that's the case. I have, indeed, known charges to be filed against people who turn out to be not guilty. No question about that. It seems unlikely to me that someone would be arrested based only on the word of a disgruntled student, though.

Old Friend B. is not a stupid woman. I can't imagine that she would make such an offer. It's ridiculous. There are so many things in jeopardy. I'm afraid she may choose to commit suicide. As a suicide survivor, I'm pretty regularly worried about that whenever something goes profoundly wrong in people's lives. Especially people I know.

So much damage has already been done. I pray that she will find the strength to get through this, no matter what the truth may be.

I don't even know what to say.

Old Friend Update

OFL called Hubby today to tell him OFB hasn't been home in 3 days. She's at a female friend's house. Okay.

I asked Hubby if OFL is furious. Hubby says he seems to just be waiting to see what happens. So no, he's not angry.

I'd be furious. I'd be enraged. Wouldn't you?

Old Friends Out Of Control

When Hubby and I first met, he had a roommate-Old Friend Lewis-- who had grown up in the same hometown. They roomed together when both moved here to go to University. OFL began seeing Old Friend Barbara, who had actually dated Hubby shortly before she got involved with OFL. We all socialized together frequently in the town we're living in now and also in Hubby's home town, generally as part of a group of couples Hubby had known since high school. They essentially became my friends, too.

OFB had a hard time getting OFL to commit to marriage; it was a time when men resisted marriage and, since living together had recently become an option culturally, they argued that there really was no difference between the two. Many women came to see it differently. After about 5 years of pressure being applied and threats being issued, OFL and OFB finally married. Hubby was OFL's best man.

They had two children, a boy and a girl, spaced several years apart. OFL got a job at a rock concert promotion company and worked there until he became too expensive (and probably too old for cutting edge image the company likes to project) and they forced him into early retirement. He continues to do freelance work with them, but hasn't been able to expand his customer base. OLB was a stay at home mom until the kids got old enough for her to get a job, when she became a teacher at her daughter's high school.

Ours and theirs looked like marriages that were heading into the home stretch. Other friends married and divorced, some of them several times in an attempt to get it right. Though we ultimately ended up living in different cities, from all appearances, things were going well with the OF family.

We received Christmas family update letters, detailing the years' triumphs. Daughter graduated and went on to college in a different city. (Son is still in high school.) As recently as three years ago, Daughter decided to move back to her family's hometown because she missed them.

Things took a turn for the worse when Daughter started dating a young man who was seriously tattooed and pierced. OFB hated the guy immediately. It's one of those things they warn you about. Sooner or later, you will have children who will drive you crazy in the same ways you drove your parents crazy when you were young. You have to believe that at least some of the attraction to the young man is based on the fact that mom hates him. OFB has been estranged from her daughter for about a year.

OFB heard rumors that the Boyfriend had been abusive to some former girlfriends. Naturally, OFB had some concerns about the safety of her daughter. This is where OFB's behavior became increasingly bizarre and troubling. (OFL does not think Daughter has been or currently is abused. He's in regular contact with them.) I gather Daughter and Boyfriend are now living together.

OFB created a fake online identity on MySpace so that she could surreptitiously monitor what Boyfriend's friends were saying about him. Needless to say, she was found out and that definitely didn't improve her relationship with Daughter.

About the same time, OFB began drinking and engaging in highly sexual chats online with a man who claims to be 21. OFB has not divulged her real age. Of course, he may not have, either. I understand that's one of the advantages to essentially anonymous interactions. I don't get that, because if you're going to meet the person at some point, it's guaranteed that your chat partner will immediately see that you're 53 instead of 21, you actually weigh much more than you've fessed up to, you have no hair...the list goes on and on.

OFL found these sexually charged chat logs. Ironically, he found them because of the spyware OFB had insisted that they get to spy on Daughter when she was still living in her parents' home. He also awakened a couple of times in the middle of the night to overhear OFB having sexual conversations with someone on the phone. Troubling. Very troubling.

According to OFB, she's started drinking and talking while they have sex (a new development). (Which I'd really, really prefer not to know.) She was forced to resign from her job not long ago because she was inappropriately discussing her Daughter with her teenage students. One young man offered to "take (the Boyfriend) out." OFB made some joke of it and moved on. The young man in question didn't do well in her class and OFB eventually gave him a bad grade. He went directly to the principal's office and alleged that she had, in fact, asked him to proceed with the taking out plan.

The school presented OFB with two choices. She could contest the allegations, with the certainty that it would all become public at some point. Or she could submit her resignation and everyone would part amicably. She chose option 2.

The past couple of years, while she was teaching full time, she started working on her Master's Degree in Counseling. I do not know what kind of counseling, but even if it's just a matter of helping young students decide what to do with themselves after graduation, I don't think OFB is in any condition to be offering advice. OFL says that she believes she can get some kind of "emergency certification" that would allow her to start her career immediately. That's critical in light of the fact that she is the primary wage earner. Everything depends on her.

Needless to say, this has been quite a heavy burden and her stress level must have been (and still be) crushing. She's probably perimenopausal, with all of the attendant hormonal fluctuations. I think it's a little like going through puberty. The body is changing in ways that seem unpredictable and that includes thought processes and emotional variability. You never know who you're going to wake up with every morning. Could be the "old" you or it could be hormonally insane you.

Culturally, we tend to not value older women. We're a youth oriented society and losing one's attractiveness can be crushing to some women. It's definitely hard to get used to. OFB is exactly the kind of woman who, having been known for her prettiness, is apt to have a very hard time with this phase of life.

So there are many reasons why things have continued to go downhill. She didn't come home all night several nights ago. And she's started cutting herself. I don't think I ever heard of an adult starting that behavior; I'm familiar with it happening with teenagers. Again, very troubling.

OFB has issued an ultimatum to OFL. He has got to make some substantial changes in the marriage or she'll pursue a divorce in two years. That's when their son will graduate from high school. OFL, of course, has absolutely no idea what changes she has in mind. That could be just a guy thing--with all of the couples we know who've divorced in recent years, the men have always been dumbfounded. They have no idea what they could have been doing that was wrong and, even when told by the wife, still don't know.

The irony here, of course, is that the tables have turned. OFB insisted they marry and now OFB is fairly certain she wishes to un-marry. OFL does not remember the years when he resisted the idea and has told Hubby that he's always planned to spend his life with one woman. He's very shy and uncomfortable around women, which made the whole dating scene precarious for him. He spent his school years in a Jesuit high school and never had much of a chance to develop friendships with women. I think it says something that he cites this reason for his distress regarding potential divorce.

OFL is regularly on the phone with Hubby. He just wants someone to listen. Hubby is quite willing to do so, but I think it makes him a little anxious. I notice that when he's been talking with OFL, his general behavior improves and he makes a special effort to be a good husband. He even talks about how much he likes his job.

It makes me a little uncomfortable that I'm profiting ( how ever briefly) from my old friends' marital problems. I'm genuinely saddened that things have come to this crisis. Saddened for their children, her husband and her. I can not imagine what's going on in her head that is causing such extremely self-destructive behavior.

This is the story I've been meaning to tell you for some time now. Every time Hubby talks with OFL, there's more bad news. I'm certain there will be more posts about our old friends; nothing seems likely to stop this downward spiral. This is where I generally point out that this is a complex problem. It is, though. Just like most everything else in life.

Friendship

i'm so glad this week is over. dealing with my sick dog has left me exhausted and stressed out. of course, the only thing that changes over the weekend is that i don't have to show up at the office. that makes me happy under any circumstances. he seems to be doing a little better today. i was able to get him to eat some of his special food, so maybe he has a little more fiber and vitamins in him today.

i can see a tiny, tiny little bird on the tree outside my window. i used to have binoculars here, but i took them home and haven't brought them back. it moves a lot like a woodpecker, but it's too small to be that. it's really nice to glance outside and see the little creatures that live in the tress outside my office window.

i have a new online friend. i met her through an online support group and we've been corresponding for a couple of weeks now. her early life was also deeply scarred by parental abuse. this is really pathetic, but i was so happy to see that i had an email from her his morning. i'm surrounded by people at work all day, but there's very little hope that anyone here could ever understand the life i've lived and the consequences that still reverberate through my life. there is one person here who believes she does, but that's because she doesn't know the full story.

i resist the idea that i might be lonely, although my therapist says that, if i weren't, there would be something wrong with me. i guess i've gotten so accustomed to living a solitary life that i don't even notice loneliness most of the time. i'm very introverted, but i'm also very low on trust these days. after the long saga of my friend, stephanie, i've been even more reluctant than ever to embark on any new relationships.

it seems that since i'm a very empathic person, i attract people who wish to lean on me emotionally. i'm open to providing emotional support to friends, but stephanie is a great example of why i'm not so interested in developing any new relationships. she used to call me every day (sometimes twice) and expected me to minister to her emotional needs. during a time when i was working far too much and was very ill with a work-related condition, i was planning a complex event for work and neglected to give her a call on her birthday. when i finally did call her, she told me not to call until she let me know she was ready to hear from me. she had absolutely no interest in why i might have missed the birthday call. i'm guessing she thought i would be devastated by her anger and rejection. wrong. at first, i was just very, very angry that she'd hung up on me. but then it was as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. i went to work on monday and found myself humming.

she finally contacted me shortly after my dad killed himself. i told her i was in no shape to be having any social discourse. she wrote me a letter telling me she was sorry and that she knew i'd be just fine. by that time, i had decided that my relationship with her was indeed over, no matter what.

since that time, my wariness about people has increased. every time i think of making new friends, i feel a great resistance.the great thing about an online friend is that she isn't going to be expecting me to talk on the phone with her for hours every day. she won't try to make me do things with her, like go to movies, etc. it is a little depressing, though, that i'm so happy to hear from her. i take great pride in my independence. the thought that i might actually need something from someone else is a little threatening. more fodder for therapy today.

here's the quote of the day:
"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." ~C.S. Lewis

america held hostage day 1831
bushism of the day;
"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."

Not a Bad Year At All

"Every act of conscious learning requires the willingness to suffer an injury to one's self-esteem. That is why young children, before they are aware of their own self-importance, learn so easily." ~ Thomas Szasz

Even sugar couldn't help me yesterday. I was in a black mood all day. When I got home, I had a card from an old high school friend of mine. She included one of those holiday update letters that people seem to like to send. It sounds like things are going well for her and, though I'm certainly glad for her, it further damaged the day. It hasn't been a good year for me. That goes without saying. I don't have any business comparing myself to her or anyone else, though. Things are what they are.

I'm feeling better today. Nothing's changed, of course, but I'm not interested in questioning too much for fear of slipping down into the darkness again. I really hate that.

I've been thinking maybe I've lost some weight in the past couple of months. I never weigh myself. When I started working out regularly, I actually gained weight by adding muscle mass. I can always judge more accurately by how my clothes fit. I put on a pair of jeans this morning and they were a little loose, even though they were just washed. A month or so ago, I had trouble getting into them.

I'm never hungry anymore. I guess that's been going on since I finished up chemo. For a while, I chalked it up to radiation, but it's been five months since that was over. I know when my stomach is empty for too long, but I don't ever feel hungry. It makes it difficult to tell when I've eaten enough...or too much. After lunch, I didn't feel like eating the rest of the day. I made myself eat a tangerine around 6:00 p.m. because I definitely didn't get enough fruits or veggies earlier. That was all I had, though.

I generally end up feeling a little sick after I eat, so I'm really never particularly interested in food. I'm not sure why it makes me not feel well. My mom speculated this morning that maybe I've been worried about the upcoming surgery. (Surgery countdown: 17 days) I've definitely been anxious.

For a while now, I've been working hard to silence the little Fascist inside my head. It's some remnant of my childhood self that really marshaled all of my personal forces to successfully escape from the kind of life my parents had. I had tough expectations of myself. Any misstep was cause for severe self denigration. If I wasn't perfect, I was a terrible person.

The little girl in the brown shirt still thinks she needs to monitor my behavior. Not only does she punish for current imperfections, she also has a very long memory. I can still drift into "I'm a terrible person. I hate myself." very easily, even for things I did when I was 8.

However, every day now, I remind myself that I'm worthy of love. I'm worthy of the same level of kindness I extend to everyone else. When the little Fascist pops up, I'm more able now to stop the accusations.

It's a sad thing that I've only recently been consistently aware of that voice. For years, whenever my mind was unoccupied or whenever I wasn't completely pleased with my behavior, the haranguing began automatically. I'm hardly ever completely pleased with my behavior or, if the behavior is okay, my motivations are questionable. The nasty little voice was a constant companion.

At some point, I would notice that voice, but I wasn't necessarily able to stop it. I didn't necessarily believe that I should stop it. Hey, it worked for me for years. Why stop now?

I'm stopping now because I have breast cancer. Breast cancer has been very, very good to me. I'm a lot kinder to myself. I've had a lot of time to sit around on my sofa and listen to whatever comes up in my head. I don't need that voice anymore. It's no longer critical that I work so hard to be a good person, a hard-working person, to be completely beyond reproach in every way. It took this catastrophic illness to recognize that.

To revisit the beginning of this post, I'm alive. I'm not in pain. I know for right now that I'm doing the best I can. In some ways, it hasn't been a bad year at all.

This is The Way Violence Sometimes Ends

i'm not feeling much like writing today, but here i am anyway. we had dinner with an old friend from out of town last night. that necessitated a brief cleanup, which must have really zapped my energy level because i feel really tired today. i was supposed to go to the grocery store at lunch to get some more kitty food for the boys, but i didn't. i'll end up buying it at a convenience store again, like i did this morning, and paying twice as much for it.i've been watching the trial of a woman, about my age, who murdered her husband with a hatchet. well, she murdered him with the hatchet and then stabbed him a number of times and then beat him. she says she wished to make certain he was dead. she alleges to have been physically abused in the relationship for decades. the state is arguing against that last allegation, presumably because there were no hospital records or police reports to verify the abuse. she has two sons, both of them in their early twenties. one of them took the stand to bolster the abuse accusation, the other denied there was any abuse.i'm inclined to believe she was abused, but primarily because i find it hard to accept that some school teacher who's never been violent in her life would resort to the level of overkill unless she had been abused by the man. the really interesting part of the trial for me was when she testified in her own defense. that's usually a very, very bad idea. unfortunately for her, i think it was a bad idea in her case, too.of course, i have no way of knowing how the jury received her testimony. she became very passive aggressive with the female prosecutor who cross-examined her. she kept asking the attorney to repeat the question when they seemed to pin her down on some lies that she told, for instance. the defendant seemed to be a person who rattled people's cages without regard to the consequences. some of the things she said to her husband would have been guaranteed to enrage him. she questioned his masculinity by accusing him of "playing house" with another couple. there was never any real explanation of the situation, but regardless of what was going on, it's usually unwise to say those sorts of things to someone who is abusive.i noticed the same thing in my own mother. i'd be doing my best to keep things peaceful between my parents and she would say something that i immediately knew was going to result in violence. i used to get exasperated with her for not recognizing the sorts of things that triggered him. the other thing i noted in the trial was the peculiar relationship between her and her sons. it was clear to me that everyone had been forced to take sides and mom was cherishing the victim role. it seemed like her sons had been parenting her by attempting to protect her from their father. one son had been trying to resolve her legal problems (the murder) for her, but that clearly wasn't going to be too successful. mom kept saying that she just wished she could die. the striking thing wasn't that she said it--that makes perfect sense to me. it was that there was a subtle undertone in the statement that communicated some serious anger. here's the quote of the day:"Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody's power, that is not easy."~Aristotleamerica held hostage day 1796bushism of the day:"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."website of the day: Boycott China for Tibethttp://www.buyhard.fsnet.co.uk/non_chinese_products.htm

He Loves Me Anyway

"If [man] is not to stifle his human feelings, he must practice kindness towards animals, for he who is cruel to animals becomes hard also in his dealings with men. We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~ Immanuel Kant (1724-1804) German metaphysician & transcendental philosopher

It's been a really hard day. I spent most of it dealing with the (previously) feral kitties at my office. I got one of them back this afternoon (Cary) and, though I was fearful he'd reject me because I betrayed his trust, he loves me anyway. Jonathan is spending the night at my vet's office after being neutered. Owner and I managed to grab five of the six baby kitties and I delivered them to his vet to be vaccinated, treated (if need be) and given away (we hope). It's all been so stressful and traumatizing--as much for them as for me. I have a few kitty-inflicted wounds, but none too serious.

Tonight's the final debate, so i guess I'll need to work out while watching. Luckily, this is a weight night, which is much easier to do when I'm listening to the television.

I don't really have the time or energy to write more, but I wanted to make a note of how the day went.

The Jamie Saga for Becky

"You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering." Henri-Frederic Amiel Henri-Frédéric Amiel

A couple of weeks after you died, I contacted Jamie since you told me he called you some months back. I wanted to try to forestall any additional contact, knowing that Bill would probably be enraged. I tried to track Jamie down via the web, but his name was too common and I thought he was probably still living in California. that gave me the idea (and the opportunity) to contact E.U. I found his email address on the web...I knew he was living here, because I periodically do searches for a couple of my old lovers to see what they're up to these days. No, as a matter of fact, that does not constitute stalking.

I digress...more on that later. anyway, I finally got in touch with Jamie and we agreed to get together for lunch one Saturday not long ago. He greeted me with the statement that he hadn't seen you in 15 years. I thought that was odd an odd way to start the conversation. I wanted to do some general catching up before we started the serious conversation about you and Ken. I asked what he's been up to for the past 30 years or so. He told me that he got his master's degee after a lot of screwing around, had a job in California that lasted nine years, quit that job and he hasn't found a comparable job since then. It turns out he's been here for the past five years, working as a handyman. He pointed out to me that he hasn't "accomplished" anything.

I have to admit, the handyman thing really threw me for a loop. You know I don't care if he's accomplished anything or that he's a handyman. I guess I just expected someone with his talent and intelligence would find a less difficult and more financially rewarding way to spend his time.
He said that he was married once, for a year. Jamie said that his wife was younger (i don't doubt that--I'm sure it's hard to find women his age who are interested in getting into a long term relationship with a man with such low expectations in life) and was in her senior year in college when they wed . He said she told him she wanted to continue to live on campus for that year so she could be active in campus activities. Well, okay, that's pretty weird. What kind of lame ass person wants to voluntarily live on campus when she's a senior? And married. He said that at the end of her senior year, she just came over one day and told him she wanted a divorce. Out of the blue. I'm sorry, but that makes me laugh every time I think about it.

Generally speaking, I think it's a good idea to be a little bit concerned when your spouse would rather live in a dorm than live with you, if only because sex is so much more inconvenient that way. He said she was a film major and she made him go to see movies constantly. He complained that she made him sit through all of the credits at the end of all the movies they ever saw. Doesn't sound like much of a love connection there, does it? I wish I'd asked more, because now that I think back, there are a number of questions I'd like to ask. You know, just for fun.

So then he worked for some company doing what sounded like technical writing. I thought maybe I could help him get a contractor job, but he was so vague about what he wanted to do that I still haven't quite figured out what he's looking for. I called him about one job, but he told me he didn't think he had the technical skills for it. My therapist (and my mom) thought it was exceedingly rude that he didn't say thank you for the call. It actually hadn't occured to me until they pointed it out to me. then I got really concerned that Jamie really just likes being a handyman and just doesn't wish to tell me. I didn't want to call him up if it made him feel bad.

When i told my husband about lunching with Jamie, i commented that we always had some difficulty communicating. He thought i meant that i didn't like him. Frankly, i couldn't exactly remember what the exact issue. After our lunch date, though, the problem became abundantly clear. Jamie just likes to complain. He complained about his ex-wife (well, okay, I guess everyone does that), the job he used to have, the jobs he had in between this job, his current job, the fact that old friends are making more money than he does.

I'm sure I spent a lot of the conversation looking at him in complete bewilderment. As you know, I'm a big proponent of getting your shit together and doing something productive to solve your unhappiness. I think when we were younger, I believed my inability to understand his general unhappiness was due to some lack of insight or attention on my part. It wasn't me, after all. I wonder if he complained to you all the time. Surely not. I wish I could ask you.

There's so much more to tell, but my attention is drifting a bit, so I'll have to finish the tale tomorrow.