What's Rape Got To Do With It?

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it."~ Helen Keller (1880-1968)

Okay, back to the examination of sexual history in light of my new-found admission that I was raped in college. So russ and I were together and he broke it off and I went absolutely crazy. Then I got strep throat and was quarantined in the school infirmary. Russ' friend, David, decided that, since I was available again, he might like to get some kind of relationship going. Big mistake.David and i never actually had sex. I don't think I liked him very much and I'm pretty sure he didn't like me, either. Just a sexual thing for him, you know. We went out together a couple of times and it became abundantly clear that I needed to make him go away. Luckily, as it turned out, the end of the semester was at hand. I left school for the upcoming semester on the urgings of my parents. That worked out great. I didn't even have to be mean to him...yet.

He wrote letters to me that spring semester and I responded. I really don't know what prompted me to do this, but eventually I pointed out to him that he should just go ahead and have sex with Russ and cut out the middle(wo)man. He stopped writing to me. It seemed like a logical thing to say (even though I'm sure I knew he'd be upset). It wasn't like we were in love or anything.

I didn't date anyone at all that spring, but when summer came around I registered for some classes at a local college. I had a job, working at an electrical supply company. It was there that I met my next mistake. This guy used to come in regularly to pick up parts and I was immediately attracted. Somehow I managed to get him to ask me out. Right here you might say, "Hey, probably not such a good idea." Good point.

I had absolutely no intention of getting emotionally involved with him. He was a blue-collar guy, not much interested in knowing anything and not much interested in ever leaving my hometown. Totally unsuitable for long-term relationship, but quite suitable for sex. Notice how every time I pick the guy it turns out the only thing I'm looking for is sex? Hmmm...seems to be a pattern here.

At first, I refused to fuck him because I wasn't doing any kind of birth control. At some point in our "relationship" he told me he was using a condom, but that was a lie. Everyone I knew at that time of my life was baffled as to how I could be fooled. They didn't really know my history though. I was adamantly opposed to actually touching penises...it was far to reminiscent of the abuse suffered at the hands of my uncle. No touching. Ever.

As you might guess, I became pregnant. So what the hell, Don and I spent the summer having incredible sex whenever we could. There was absolutely no way on god's green earth that I was going to have that baby and be forced to live in my hometown permanently. No way I was going to marry don. I knew exactly what I had to do and I did it. All alone. I paid for the abortion and I went to have it alone. All of that part of the tale occurred when I went back to the other university. Once again, just like with the date rape episode, I accepted total responsibility for my mistake. That's one of the good things about me...I don't shirk responsibility. After i went back to school, I didn't really need don anymore. Don't get me wrong...I doubt that he missed me at all. I'm sure I served the same purpose for him as he did for me.

I'm not so sure that my need to be in control of sexual relationships has anything to do with the date rape episode. I think it's probably more a product of my upbringing, which I will get around to talking about sooner or later. I guess the big revelation for me is just how angry at men I must have been. Had you asked me about it then, I would have said i wasn't angry at all, except in a broad feminist context. I don't feel particularly angry now, either, as I contemplate the past. I guess mostly I feel sorry for that young person who suffered through such great difficulties.