Root Canal and Distrust

Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement."~Alfred Adler

I had a root canal on Thursday afternoon and I'm just now feeling better. I haven't been able to open my mouth more than about half an inch all weekend...makes it a little difficult to eat. I have part two tomorrow at 11:00, so I may be missing a couple of days this week, too.

When I saw my therapist on Friday, we spent most of the session talking about my early sexual abuse. Sexual abuse in my life came in many forms, but we were specifically addressing that perpetrated by my uncle. I noticed sometime last week (maybe Wednesday) that whenever there were moments that my mind wasn't actively engaged, a nasty little internal voice would jump right in with, "I hate myself" "I'm a terrible person." You get the drift. when I noticed it happening, I tried to counter it with more loving messages. They were completely ineffective. My brain just completely disregarded those thoughts in favor of the destructive ones. I also noticed at some point that I seemed to be disengaged from my body. The feeling was somewhat different from my usual dissociative state. It's difficult to really describe the difference.

Once I realized I was slipping into a sort of hypnotic state, I was able to shake it off for the most part. had to force myself to really focus on the physical surroundings, in addition to focusing on re-establishing the mind/body connection. I've never noticed any similar states of mind.

My therapist suggested that it sounded like it might be related to my sexual abuse. Any mention of traumatic episodes guarantees that I'll have some flashbacks. We spoke about those flashbacks as they arose. It's been a very long time since I've discussed those memories with anyone. Just talking about it makes me feel like I'm going to implode.

My stepson and his wife were in town briefly on Sunday. They came by to have lunch, but I was doing grocery shopping for the week. I only got to see them for about ten minutes. Just as well, really. I'm very ambivalent about that relationship at the moment, but I need to be able to conceal my distrust and anger with my daughter-in-law. She told my step-son that she'd divorce him If he doesn't address his alcohol problem. My husband and I never knew about him abusing alcohol, but both of us support her decision. Since that time, she's taken a couple of trips out of town. The critical information here is that, before she married my stepson, she was married to someone else. My stepson and she began dating while she was still married. Her behavior now is very similar to her behavior then. If she doesn't wish to be married to my stepson, I can understand and accept that. I'm just having some difficulty trusting her at the moment. Of course, since this is completely between her and my stepson, all I can do is pray for them both. I don't wish to betray my feelings to either of them. Okay, I'm actually boring myself at this point. must be time to go.

america held hostage day 1658

bushism of the day:"The administration I'll bring is a group of men and women who are focused on what's best for America, honest men and women, decent men and women, women who will see service to our country as a great privilege and who will not stain the house."

website of the day:http://thecropcirclewebsite.50megs.com/