02 December 2004
Broken Or Not
i tend to see myself as profoundly broken, but no one else does. i've focused a great deal of time and energy to repairing myself. since i had so little experience with normalcy, i've had to observe others and then try to emulate them. i was much more consumed with this when i was a young. i'd reallly like to get to the point that no one, not even i, can tell that i wasn't raised in a healthy family. my therapist points out to me on a regular basis that my goal is unattainable.i know she's right about that. i guess it's gotten to be such a habit that it's hard to stop myself. at one of my recent sessions, i talked about my husband's bad habit of slamming doors and throwing things on the floor when he's in a bad mood. it's not directed at me or anyone else; it's just a thing he does. unfortunately, it's very triggering. i have an extremely hard time lowering my anxiety level; sometimes it causes flashbacks. my therapist asked me if my husband knows how it affects me. i've never said anything to him about it because it's one of those things i think i should get over. i have a lot of issues around sexuality. for a long time, i think i believed my uncle when he used to say that his behavior was my fault. i had a really hard time allowing myself to be vulnerable with men. if i was having a sexual relationship with some guy, i was very competitive intellectually. for me, the power dynamic of sexuality has always been abundantly clear. i've already spoken about a couple of my relationships. here's more. after i stopped seeing the guy i got pregnant with, i went back to college in a different city. i was taking a class in eastern religion and somehow got involved with the professor. by involved, i do not mean having a sexual relationship. i was so paranoid about getting pregnant that i was extremely reluctant to be sexual with anyone. after a couple of classes, he called me up and asked me to dinner.that really flipped me out. i don't know why, really. he had a phd from harvard and had lived in france for a while. i think it made me a little awe-struck, which isn't necessarily the basis for a good relationship. in my case that was particularly true. nonetheless, he was pursuing a long-term (as in marriage) relationship. i didn't think i wanted to do that, but what could i do? i told him i wasn't sure i was going to be around the following year because i was thinking of transferring. so we saw each other for the winter semester and i went home for the christmas break. another important relationship was also developing with a guy who was a year younger than i. he went to the same high school i did, though i didn't meet him until he was in college in a town not too far away. i think i was quite smitten with him, but he was so young. i mean, i've pretty much been 40 since i was 5 years old. he seemed very immature to me and i wasn't crazy about that.oops. someone just brought in some additional work. i guess the story will wait until tomorrow. here's the quote of the day:"In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity."~Albert Einsteinamerica held hostage day 1792bushism of the day:"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."