23 March 2005


I noticed it late in the afternoon yesterday, after spending a couple of hours with my dentist. The harridans inside my head started telling me that I deserve to die. It took a little while before I recognized that it wasn't just a fleeting thought, but a tidal wave of voices. The thoughts woke up with me this morning and have been around all day. whenever I have a moment when I'm not concentrating on something else, my brain returns to that same old tired recording. even though I don't take them seriously, those thoughts are difficult to completely dismiss.

It's not that I have any intention of hurting myself. That option disappeared long ago, even before my father killed himself. When I was around 23, it occurred to me that I couldn't kill myself until everyone who loves me dies. It wasn't a happy revelation. After my dad committed suicide, i fully understood the correctness of that commitment.

It's just very troubling that I can't just stop this internal haranguing. As I mentioned earlier, my therapist suggested that those voices should be directed at the people who hurt me when I was a child. Of course that list is pretty extensive, so sometimes it's hard for me to figure out which villain should be receiving the brunt of the internalized rage these voices represent.

I think my inability to silence the voices is one of the reasons I continue to feel so damaged by my childhood. My therapist likes to point out that I'm the most traumatized people she's ever treated and one of the least damaged. I know that's true. When you wake up first thing in the morning to a Greek chorus of self destructive thoughts, it's hard to have a good feeling about yourself.

Quote of the Day:
"Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody's power, that is not easy." ~ Aristotle

America held hostage day 1897
Bushism of the day:
"Dick Cheney and I do not want this nation to be in a recession. We want anybody who can find work to be able to find work." —60 Minutes II, Dec. 5, 2000

Website of the Day: Investigating the New Imperialism

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