30 November 2006

The Stick

"If you obey all of the rules, you miss all of the fun." ~ Katherine Hepburn

Well, I certainly didn't expect to be going through life with such a big stick up my butt. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised at how rigid I can be. I was always rigid, but I kept it a secret from myself. The biggest surprise is rule-related. I always took the position that I would follow all the rules...unless I thought they were stupid. I frequently thought things were stupid. Now, not so much. Well, okay, maybe just a little.

I expect everyone else to follow the rules, though. If I don't think the rule is worthy of being observed, it's okay with me if you get rebellious, too. Otherwise, rules are made to be followed. See? Major, major stick up my butt. In part, I think it's from being an only child. In part, I think it's from being an only child with a psychotic parent. Whatever the reason, I think I'd like it if I could just let go of this to some extent.

It's difficult to take that position (rules are made to be followed) when you think of yourself as a non-conformist. I tend to look like I'm conforming, but that's just because people can't see inside my head. I'm pointlessly subversive. Sometimes I just like to screw with things because other people are trying to require me to do things their way. (See above.) Sometimes I just like to screw with things because I can. I definitely usually look like I'm conforming, though.

Anal retentive. I have a big need to have things done a certain way. Maybe that's more obsessive-compulsive. I've defintely got some qualities that fit that bill. I alphabetized all of my books, after I put them in categories. I have a lot of books. It took me forever to figure out how I thought they should be categorized. I think I re-organized them several times. It drives me crazy if one of them is out of place. Actually, I need to start over because I've acquired a whole new category of books. I just haven't figured out where in the existing groups to put them.

Clinically speaking, I can get sidetracked into brain loops. I just made that up...oh how non-conformist of me! I can start thinking about how to solve a problem and get stuck there like a broken record. For those of you who even remember what those were. The really nutty thing is that obsessing never leads to an answer. I've known that for years. Leaving it alone and letting my intuitive abilities work on it is much more productive. Nonetheless, I get trapped from time to time.

So I guess if Santa is coming this year, I'd like to get rid of the stick. I'd like to stop getting caught up in obsessive thinking. I'd like to have Santa re-organize my books. The stick, though. That's the main thing.

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