As I stepped on the bathroom scales this morning, I thought, "I should never be allowed to own one of these things." It makes me crazy. I need to gain weight, but every day I step up and note, with some satisfaction, that I haven't gained any more weight. (That means I get to have a cookie later on. Maybe two.)
I have absolutely no sense of perspective about weight. None. I've really tried hard to get comfortable with my body, no matter how much it weighs. I think of it as a political statement. Madison Avenue should not be allowed to make women feel inadequate. I don't think that was the cause of my weight obsession, but it probably exacerbated it.
Last year, I weighed more than I ever have in my life. I weighed 140 pounds. I'm 5'5 3/4" tall. (Oh my god, that was so brave to say that!) It was the steroids during chemo that caused it. Even knowing that, though, I was in a panic. As I started radiation treatment, all I could think of was that I had to get back to my target weight.
I actually got to my target weight a couple of weeks after I started radiation treatment. Having lost an additional 10 pounds, though, I'm entertaining the idea that maybe I could get down to 115. I weighed 115 forever, but it's been a decade since that forever ended. Why not be satisfied with where I am?
Because I'm just fucking crazy about the weight thing. I got the scales so I could make sure I didn't continue the weight loss trend. I know I shouldn't continue to lose weight. I guess the good news is that I haven't.
Somebody come over and take the damn scales away from me. As if anyone could. Or having taken them, as if I wouldn't just start to get even crazier.
Maybe I should go get a cookie now. Or two. It might not make me less compulsive, but I might feel a little better while I'm eating them. Mmmmm...chocolate.
2 comments:
One of my biggest regrets ever is that I was never satisfied with my weight at any stage in my life. I'm about 5 foot 7 1/2 inches and I used to weigh 118lbs and thought that I was too heavy. I went to Weight Watchers and they turned me away. When I weighed 130lbs I was paranoid about being seen so heavy. I distinctly remember weighing 142lbs and fit into size 6/8 but wouldn't go out with girlfriends because I was too fat. Now, I am significantly/hugely/painfully heavier and boy do I wish I was back to the 130-150lb range. I guess my point is that it's entirely possible for one to spend their life feeling utterly miserable about themselves - no matter where they are weight-wise. I think you should fight that urge and just allow yourself to Be. And I think you should eat those cookies! ;-)
I know. I keep telling myself to stop it. Thank you so much for your encouragement. And by the way, I did eat the cookies.
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