Old Friends Out Of Control

When Hubby and I first met, he had a roommate-Old Friend Lewis-- who had grown up in the same hometown. They roomed together when both moved here to go to University. OFL began seeing Old Friend Barbara, who had actually dated Hubby shortly before she got involved with OFL. We all socialized together frequently in the town we're living in now and also in Hubby's home town, generally as part of a group of couples Hubby had known since high school. They essentially became my friends, too.

OFB had a hard time getting OFL to commit to marriage; it was a time when men resisted marriage and, since living together had recently become an option culturally, they argued that there really was no difference between the two. Many women came to see it differently. After about 5 years of pressure being applied and threats being issued, OFL and OFB finally married. Hubby was OFL's best man.

They had two children, a boy and a girl, spaced several years apart. OFL got a job at a rock concert promotion company and worked there until he became too expensive (and probably too old for cutting edge image the company likes to project) and they forced him into early retirement. He continues to do freelance work with them, but hasn't been able to expand his customer base. OLB was a stay at home mom until the kids got old enough for her to get a job, when she became a teacher at her daughter's high school.

Ours and theirs looked like marriages that were heading into the home stretch. Other friends married and divorced, some of them several times in an attempt to get it right. Though we ultimately ended up living in different cities, from all appearances, things were going well with the OF family.

We received Christmas family update letters, detailing the years' triumphs. Daughter graduated and went on to college in a different city. (Son is still in high school.) As recently as three years ago, Daughter decided to move back to her family's hometown because she missed them.

Things took a turn for the worse when Daughter started dating a young man who was seriously tattooed and pierced. OFB hated the guy immediately. It's one of those things they warn you about. Sooner or later, you will have children who will drive you crazy in the same ways you drove your parents crazy when you were young. You have to believe that at least some of the attraction to the young man is based on the fact that mom hates him. OFB has been estranged from her daughter for about a year.

OFB heard rumors that the Boyfriend had been abusive to some former girlfriends. Naturally, OFB had some concerns about the safety of her daughter. This is where OFB's behavior became increasingly bizarre and troubling. (OFL does not think Daughter has been or currently is abused. He's in regular contact with them.) I gather Daughter and Boyfriend are now living together.

OFB created a fake online identity on MySpace so that she could surreptitiously monitor what Boyfriend's friends were saying about him. Needless to say, she was found out and that definitely didn't improve her relationship with Daughter.

About the same time, OFB began drinking and engaging in highly sexual chats online with a man who claims to be 21. OFB has not divulged her real age. Of course, he may not have, either. I understand that's one of the advantages to essentially anonymous interactions. I don't get that, because if you're going to meet the person at some point, it's guaranteed that your chat partner will immediately see that you're 53 instead of 21, you actually weigh much more than you've fessed up to, you have no hair...the list goes on and on.

OFL found these sexually charged chat logs. Ironically, he found them because of the spyware OFB had insisted that they get to spy on Daughter when she was still living in her parents' home. He also awakened a couple of times in the middle of the night to overhear OFB having sexual conversations with someone on the phone. Troubling. Very troubling.

According to OFB, she's started drinking and talking while they have sex (a new development). (Which I'd really, really prefer not to know.) She was forced to resign from her job not long ago because she was inappropriately discussing her Daughter with her teenage students. One young man offered to "take (the Boyfriend) out." OFB made some joke of it and moved on. The young man in question didn't do well in her class and OFB eventually gave him a bad grade. He went directly to the principal's office and alleged that she had, in fact, asked him to proceed with the taking out plan.

The school presented OFB with two choices. She could contest the allegations, with the certainty that it would all become public at some point. Or she could submit her resignation and everyone would part amicably. She chose option 2.

The past couple of years, while she was teaching full time, she started working on her Master's Degree in Counseling. I do not know what kind of counseling, but even if it's just a matter of helping young students decide what to do with themselves after graduation, I don't think OFB is in any condition to be offering advice. OFL says that she believes she can get some kind of "emergency certification" that would allow her to start her career immediately. That's critical in light of the fact that she is the primary wage earner. Everything depends on her.

Needless to say, this has been quite a heavy burden and her stress level must have been (and still be) crushing. She's probably perimenopausal, with all of the attendant hormonal fluctuations. I think it's a little like going through puberty. The body is changing in ways that seem unpredictable and that includes thought processes and emotional variability. You never know who you're going to wake up with every morning. Could be the "old" you or it could be hormonally insane you.

Culturally, we tend to not value older women. We're a youth oriented society and losing one's attractiveness can be crushing to some women. It's definitely hard to get used to. OFB is exactly the kind of woman who, having been known for her prettiness, is apt to have a very hard time with this phase of life.

So there are many reasons why things have continued to go downhill. She didn't come home all night several nights ago. And she's started cutting herself. I don't think I ever heard of an adult starting that behavior; I'm familiar with it happening with teenagers. Again, very troubling.

OFB has issued an ultimatum to OFL. He has got to make some substantial changes in the marriage or she'll pursue a divorce in two years. That's when their son will graduate from high school. OFL, of course, has absolutely no idea what changes she has in mind. That could be just a guy thing--with all of the couples we know who've divorced in recent years, the men have always been dumbfounded. They have no idea what they could have been doing that was wrong and, even when told by the wife, still don't know.

The irony here, of course, is that the tables have turned. OFB insisted they marry and now OFB is fairly certain she wishes to un-marry. OFL does not remember the years when he resisted the idea and has told Hubby that he's always planned to spend his life with one woman. He's very shy and uncomfortable around women, which made the whole dating scene precarious for him. He spent his school years in a Jesuit high school and never had much of a chance to develop friendships with women. I think it says something that he cites this reason for his distress regarding potential divorce.

OFL is regularly on the phone with Hubby. He just wants someone to listen. Hubby is quite willing to do so, but I think it makes him a little anxious. I notice that when he's been talking with OFL, his general behavior improves and he makes a special effort to be a good husband. He even talks about how much he likes his job.

It makes me a little uncomfortable that I'm profiting ( how ever briefly) from my old friends' marital problems. I'm genuinely saddened that things have come to this crisis. Saddened for their children, her husband and her. I can not imagine what's going on in her head that is causing such extremely self-destructive behavior.

This is the story I've been meaning to tell you for some time now. Every time Hubby talks with OFL, there's more bad news. I'm certain there will be more posts about our old friends; nothing seems likely to stop this downward spiral. This is where I generally point out that this is a complex problem. It is, though. Just like most everything else in life.