17 August 2007

The Sound of Looniness

Craziness abounds, even over and above my daily sojourn in Crazy Land. Crazy Land continues to spin, though, and I'm definitely caught in its many manifestations of nuttiness-inspired stress. My anxiety about getting everything accomplished before my Wednesday departure is significantly diminished. Nonetheless I'm always aware of the endless shiver of anxiety burrowed under the level of my daily consciousness.

In the middle of conversations, I suddenly notice the lunacy in my voice. The more I try to tame it, the loonier I sound. Very disconcerting. I wish I could preface every interaction with an explanation that I'm soon having my fourth surgery in two years and that I'm therefore virtually unable to think clearly. As a matter of fact, I'm virtually unable to function.

Now and again, it strikes me that, since everyone around me seems to expect me to continue on as usual, I should most certainly be able to do that. Maybe I should be able to, but my mind periodically goes blank. The brain keeps track of pain and it will not be distracted from another imminent physical insult.

"How can you possibly expect me to do anything more than arrive at work and stay there for 8 hours," I think. Actually accomplishing things is simply completely out of the question.

Sometimes there's no choice. I've had the infamous "roll out" to orchestrate, a major coup considering the daunting amount of information not available. It's been a struggle to simply find out how many sites each manager services and how many employees are at each site. Is it any wonder my mind goes blank from time to time? It's a little like a cultural adaptation in this case. Everyone else is in some information-deprived haze. I'm just doing my part to fit in. Now there's a good excuse.

When it rains workers comp claims, it pours. Unfortunately, lately it's been pouring guys who've chosen to not report their work-related injuries for a week or so. The amount of paperwork alone that has to be generated and disseminated wears me out, even when reporting is prompt. When our employees wait to illuminate anyone about their hurties, my work becomes even more time-critial and positively stuffed with paper to be printed, faxed, copied, printed again and mailed to several people.

Last but certainly not least, I've been having serious issues with my dermatologist's office. When I visited, at their insistence, to discuss my diagnosis and treatment, the nurse practitioner was completely useless. No need for treatment, or maybe there is, who knows? Nonetheless, they called to make a six-week follow up visit. I also have an appointment with the doctor herself on Tuesday. To top it all off, I've been unable to have biopsy results successfully sent to Dr. Ross.

See? This is another moment when the mind goes absolutely blank. I have no idea what to do now. The nurse tells me to call the Pathology Lab and arrange it myself. They might have shared that with me when I called last week specifically to have them do that. I can't. The new hill of endless paperwork seems too big to climb at the moment.The noise you hear is my head as I beat it against the wall.

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