06 November 2007

Meet The Golf Pro

"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired." ~ Jules Renard

The Golf Pro is connected. I've been friends with Owner and his wife for 30 years now and he's even more connected than I am. He's the stepson of Owner's ex-brother in law (Human Slime). What? Why does that matter? Human Slime owns 20% of the business. Big deal, you say? Well, that's what I say, too. Owner is paranoid that Slime will sue him for paying his employees too much, not generating enough profit or simply creating a trumped-up crisis that will inevitably end up in filling his coffers with a few more pieces of gold. That's just how Slime rolls.

Owner fears that Golf Pro will serve as a spy in Crazy Land, who will provide Human Slime with information that will bring the company to its knees. He's also afraid Golf Pro will start his own Crazy Land company and steal all of our customers. Neither of these things is going to happen. Because neither of them wants to work. Why would you go to all the trouble to litigate or take customers away when you'll just end up working after it's all over?

Golf Pro has never worked, even though he's been employed here almost as long as I have. For years, as I handled all of the day-to-day business affairs, Golf Pro entertained himself by re-enacting Seinfeld episodes for me. I prepared sales tax reports and Pro reminisced about playing golf in college. I struggled to reconcile complex weekly billings with our primary Client in Wonderland while Pro left the office for hours to buy pants. If all that wasn't bad enough, when profit sharing time rolled around, Golf Pro got the same amount I did, even though I actually did all of the work. To be fair, though, Owner has treated Pro poorly over the years (in hilarious ways, of course). I'll share some of those incidents with you when I'm able.

Everyone who's ever worked here has disliked Golf Pro. They know he's not doing anything. He's become one of the main sales people now and we only see him maybe three our four hours a week. That's right....he's out buying pants. To be fair, he does take our clients golfing regularly, too, but I don't think that qualifies as work in his case.

Loathsome and the Pro almost came to fisticuffs in the office several years ago. I don't remember what provoked the fracas, but I do recall hearing Loathsome yell, "You wanna piece of me?" Nothing like working in a civilized, professional environment. Loathsome has always hated Golf Pro because he's a slacker. Pro hates Loathsome because he's arrogant and haughty. It's hard to pick a side in that conflict.

Mr. Moneybags, whose wife coincidentally happens to be Hispanic, thinks Golf Pro is racist. I've tried for years to point out that Golf Pro's mom is Hispanic and I happen to know he's not a racist. You know how it goes, though. Mr. Moneybags never likes to be confused by reality when he's decided to activate the hate button.

Owner and everyone else who works here (and most of the people at Client in Wonderland) know Pro is a shirker. That's why, when Owner wants to irritate everyone in one fell swoop, he lectures us about what a great job Golf Pro is doing. Works every time. Unfortunately for the Pro, it makes everyone hate him even more.

I don't hate him. I was enraged with him for many years, but then I retired from my job as chief slave after I suffered from a stress related illness for three or four years. After that, I was highly annoyed with him. Then my dad killed himself and I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Now, as far as I'm concerned, Pro can go buy as many pairs of pants as he pleases. It's a big job. What with all that not working and the copious amounts of alcohol required to play golf with clients, Pro adds on more poundage every week. Finding the right sized designer khaki pants gets harder all the time, I'm sure. It's a big job, but I know Golf Pro can handle it. You know. He's got some time on his hands.


vg said...

Lauphing out loud ...here

jumpinginpuddles said...

golf pro took us a while then realised it wasnt a tournament but a person then we started reading agian and nearly tore a ligament laghing so hard

zennist said...

vg and jumpinginpuddles,
I'm glad you thought it was funny! For me, it's either laugh or start bonking people on their heads. ;-)