The Most Recent Flashback

"Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other."~ Carl Jung

Yesterday I was planning to make an entry here, but I couldn't really focus because of a migraine. I woke up again today with a headache, but it's not so intense.

I can't remember how the conversation started last night, but my mom and I were discussing childhood sexual abuse. Not my abuse, of course. I try never to talk about that specifically. At any rate, she was telling me about the woman who lives across the breezeway from her, who has two young children. She said one of their other neighbors, a man, is always especially friendly to the little girl. The man has no interest in the boy. My mother said that everytime the man encounters the little girl, he picks her up. Alarm bells went off in my head and I told my mother there was no reason ever for some guy who's unrelated to the child to be picking her up. I quickly amended my statement when i had a flashback of being picked up by my uncle when I was 5, the first memory of him abusing me. Suddenly it all came back. The sensation of being picked up and knowing that there was absolutely nothing I could do to prevent what happened next. The memory of having tried to hide from him, then trying to escape.

I told my mother that no one other than a parent should be picking up little kids. My mom said something to the effect that you can never tell about people's motives and trying to warn little children about bad people probably doesn't have much effect because they're too naive. I pointed out that it doesn't really matter ultimately because the adult is always so much larger than the child that resistance is futile.

I had to change the subject. My heart was racing and I was almost overcome by anxiety. I did not tell my mother what I was feeling. My therapist would ask me why. I'm still not certain why.america held hostage day 1821bushism of the day:"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."