Pity Party

"Bitter are the tears of a child: Sweeten them. Deep are the thoughts of a child: Quiet them. Sharp is the grief of a child: Take it from him. Soft is the heart of a child: Do not harden it."~ Pamela Glenconner

I just got back to the office from a dental appointment. That cut my work day by about 2 hours, although one of those hours should have been my lunchtime. Instead of taking extra time for lunch, I had some peanut butter crackers, an apple and an orange. I think I'm having a feeling sorry for myself kind of day. I'm not a feeling sorry for myself kind of person, so I'm trying to get over it. My therapist would say that I should feel sad for myself. In fact, she's said exactly that. I don't know how productive this mind set can be, really. Yes, my life has been crappy beyond belief and it's not that great now, but it's the only life i know. I should just get over this.

I've been doing some new workout videos lately. last night I did a Minna tape and I'm really sore today. On Monday, I did a cardio crunch tape which really kicked my butt. When I woke up the next day and tried to turn over in bed, every muscle in my body complained. That must mean I'm making progress. Tonight is another cardio night. That should help my mood. When i did the cardio crunch tape on Monday, i had that wonderful euphoria that comes from getting your heart rate up and keeping it up for an extended period of time. It's been a long time since I've felt that way. Since i was talked into cutting back on the length and difficulty of my workouts, I just stumble along day to day with nothing even resembling a good mood.

For some reason, I've been reading about the Michael Jackson case on the Smoking Gun. Goddamn it, it makes me so angry. This is a man who needs to spend a long time in jail. I'm sure he's a pedophile because of things someone else did to him, but that doesn't absolve him of his guilt. Of course, it brought up lots of old memories. The whole grooming process, the threats, the accusations that it's actually the victim's fault that the perpetrator is acting out. I can feel this rage deep inside that makes me want to break things or, better yet, go find my perpetrator and kick his ass. He's an old guy now; I bet I could hurt him with very little effort. What a lovely thought. It's probably also not so great for the pity party I'm having for myself. Nothing makes me sadder than innocence ripped away.

That's about enough for today, since i can't shake this sad feeling.

america held hostage day 1823
bushism of the day:
"There's not going to be enough people in the system to take advantage of people like me."