Perfectionism and Diligence

"Thank God every morning when you get up that you have something to do which must be done, whether you like it or not. Being forced to work, and forced to do your best, will breed in you temperance, self-control, diligence, strength of will, content, and a hundred other virtues which the idle never know."~ Charles Kingsley (1819-1875) English clergyman & writer (let me just add, hell yes!)

I've been feeling like I have cotton stuffed inside my head. Taking care of hubby when he's sick is a major undertaking in itself, leaving me fatigued and more than a little impatient. I hadn't slept well the night before (that would be Sunday) becauseIi was having my little flashback/panic attack.

I started out the day yesterday feeling worn out, but god forbid that I should miss my regularly scheduled work out day. I argued with myself about it for a while--should it be a demanding, high-energy workout or could I just make do with my new bellydance tape? I finally went with the bellydance tape and tried not to give myself a hard time about slacking. Unfortunately, the workout didn't energize me. Other than that, I can't really say why I'm feeling sluggish and stupid today. I guess that's just the way it goes sometimes.

My therapist, psychiatrist, family and co-workers would take great exception to the word "slacking." They tell me I never give myself a break; I've been trying to come to terms with that thought, but I have to admit it's not easy. My therapist says that sometimes people who have been left to raise themselves demand far too much from themselves. Sounds right to me, but I'm just not sure I believe it fits for me.

I also get accused of being a perfectionist, to which I generally respond, "No one can ever do anything perfectly, certainly not I." I'm told that being a perfectionist just means that I try to do my very best at every thing I do. What's wrong with that? Isn't that what we should all do? It's my firm belief that self-esteem grows from that desire. Effort is the key, not execution. I may fuck things up, in big ways or small, but as long as I've done my best, I can feel good about myself. I forgive myself for fucking up, sometimes I'm even amused by it, but that doesn't mean I didn't try to do better.

Trying to mediate between what I see as two extremes (me: slacker; everyone else: too demanding) makes me crazy. I end up spending way too much time trying to find ways to lighten up without actually have to lighten up. Finally, I pick one or the other and spend the rest of the day quieting my inner voice telling me I should have done more/less. I've got way too many problems to devote that much time to every task. I have tried to change my ways by cutting off the critical voices in my head when I need rest--emotional, physical or intellectual. If I'm having a particularly difficult time figuring out what to do, I try to step outside myself and respond as I would for someone other than me. If a friend told me she was too tired to do laundry in the evening, I would most definitely tell her that rest is important and laundry can be done tomorrow. So far, this works better than any other tactic.

Now, since my head feels like it's stuffed with cotton and the day is getting late, I would tell my friend that she should stop looking for an organic way to end this entry and just stop typing, for god's sake. that's what I'm going to do.