Gratitude

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." ~Albert Schweitzer quotes (German medical missionary, theologian, musician and philosopher. 1952 Nobel Peace Prize, 1875-1965)

A fair number of people know about parts of my early life. Other than my therapist, no one knows everything. actually, I probably don't know everything myself at this point. I provide information based on my intuitive judgment of how much people are capable of dealing with. Some people cry. When people start to cry, I know I've gone too far. I've also had a number of people give me that train wreck look, like it's too horrible to continue to listen, but they can't bring themselves to stop. when I see that look, I stop it for them. It's a little akin to disgust. I take this very personally. Once someone has reacted that way, all of my protective barriers go up immediately and they never come back down. I'm sure at least some people don't believe me. I start to worry that they think i'm crazy. There's not much I can do about it if they do. Many of the people who've been able to tolerate hearing about my life believe that I've made choices which have kept me from becoming the person I probably should be--an alcoholic, drug-addicted prostitute who gets beaten up regularly. I tend to get impatient with those people who give me far too much credit.

I believe that I came here endowed with innate abilities which have allowed me to thrive under such destructive and barren conditions. Several weeks ago, I wrote about the seven qualities of people who are phoenixes. They are: Independence, initiative, humor, morality, the ability to develop relationships, insight and creativity. In my opinion, these are not qualities one can choose to develop. I suppose that people do have a choice betwen seeing the humor in difficult situations and being negative. I think people can develop some creativity if they don't come equipped with it, but I don't think it can be conjured from thin air. Just as an aside, I read recently that people with high iq's generally tend to have a sense of humor. I'm not sure I believe that's always true.

As for independence, I was raised as an only child, though I have a half brother and half sister. I've never met my half brother and I have absolutely no desire to. I knew my half sister until she was about five years old, but I haven't seen her in over 30 years. Not much interested in renewing the relationship. She was born when I was 15. My parents were always distracted by their own bullshit, so I really didn't have much choice in the matter. Independence was thrust upon me. I became very, very good at it...some people would say that I'm too independent. It certainly makes me less tolerant of people who don't think for themselves or are emotionally clingy.

I have a number of cousins on my father's side, none of which have fared well. it leads me back to the nature/nurture debate, but I'm guessing it's a little of both. I think most of them have never questioned whether their families created a lot of their own difficulties. For as long as I can remember, I've been noting the consequences of my parents' emotional issues and the choices they've made in their lives. It seemed pretty clear to me that allowing your life to be guided by emotion isn't going to result in a very happy life. Sleeping with people you're not married to, for instance. After the age of about 20, doesn't it become abundantly clear that that behavior will consistently result in heart break. so why do it? It just ends up making your life more difficult. Insight and a sense of morality did help me understand that lesson. I don't understand why I was able to see it and the rest of my dad's family wasn't. I'm infinitely grateful for all of the qualities that have helped me to survive and I refuse to accept the idea that I've somehow developed those qualities on my own. It feels like a great gift I've been given and I try to be worthy of it Every day. Some days I'm more worthy than others, of course. I remember people who've helped me along the way and I try to pass that help along whenever I can. Assisting other people (to whatever extent I'm capable) is a way to pay back those gifts in the name of the people who helped me survive.