19 May 2005

I Clearly Just Need to Make a Few More Adjustments

"YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments."
"PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope." ~ Ambrose Bierce

This is the way my day is going: I just spent 30 minutes writing an entry and then my computer disappeared it. Like some kind of Nicaraguan death squad. Prior to that, I struggled through my daily fruit chore. Since I was diagnosed with high cholesterol, I've been committed to eating 3 to 5 fruits and vegetables a day. I usually only make it to 4. To eat more would require that I sit around all day, just eating fruits and vegetables. Unfortunately, my schedule doesn't allow that.

Once again, today's apple and orange were crappy. Every weekend, I approach the produce section of my local grocery store with great hope and anticipation that I'll be able to magically light upon some fruit that's actually edible. I've come to terms with the fact that I won't find any really tasty fruit and I've just settled on finding something that doesn't make me gag when I put it in my mouth. Every week, I take a bite from my apple only to find that it's tasteless, sometimes not even crispy and the skin is tough and thick. Do I eat it anyway? Yes I do. I'm committed, you know. After that gastronomical disappointment, I move on to my daily orange. It is invariably fibrous, not sweet and I risk a fingernail or two when I try to peel the stupid thing. (I'm not sure if one actually peels an orange, but this is the only verb I could come up with.) Yes, I eat the damn orange, too. Every week I try different varieties of apples and oranges, but it always ends the same way. Kind of like a one night stand, it's ultimately unsatisfying and you probably could have made a better choice is you'd gone someplace else. I refuse to drive all over town in the hope of finding better fruit, because I'm convinced I'd still end up with crap.

Hubby is meeting with his co-author today to discuss the NPR program they're doing. Close to a year ago, a man who is a major contributor to the arts here in town donated $20K to the local public radio station to do a program based on the book. The station happily stuck that cash right into their nonprofit bank account. At first, the Director said he didn't think they could really do the program. Then he said they probably would, but the authors wouldn't get any money. Now, finally, they are actually going to make the program and, yes, pay the authors. The only snafu left is that they've misplaced $5k. Do these people not get audited? I cannot figure out how you can lose $5K.

As for me, I'm back to being worried about my dog. He had another bout of diarrhea and is not only refusing to eat his prescription food, he won't eat any dog food at all. I've cooked more chicken in the past month than I have in my entire life. So he's getting chicken and rice, 3 times a day, so that he can get his insulin injections. I'm constantly worried that I'm not feeding him enough, that I'm giving him too much insulin for the amount of food he's eating and I anxiously monitor his waste product.

When my father committed suicide, I thought I had finally figured out that I am not in control of anything. I am so with that program when it applies to me. I just float along and whatever happens is just by god going to happen. I get it. But when it comes to other beings, like my dog, I'm still doing my damndest to get the outcome I want. I have an agenda and I'm agressively pursuing it.

The fallacy is that he is going to die. Maybe I can get him well this time, but in two weeks we may be here again. Sooner or later, he's going to go. He's an elderly guy. I always tell myself that as long as I do my very best for him, I can let go when the time comes. Nonetheless, I worry compulsively. I guess this is just another learning experience I've been lucky enough to be handed. I'd really like to just take a break from further emotional growth for a while. Yeah. Like that's ever happened before.

America held hostage day 1323
Bushism of the day:
"What is life choices about?"
—Bush, speaking to student athletes
Source: Federal Document Clearing House, "President Welcomes NCAA Champs," Feb. 24, 2003

Website of the day: Nia: Walk With Us

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