24 October 2007

The Tale of Jasper Bottomhugger, Further Adventures in Crazy Land

"I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey." ~ Mark Twain

(Names have been changed to protect the innocent primates.)

Owner of Crazy Land and his wife, The Gatherer, have been friends of mine for over 30 years. Owner was friends with Hubby when they were in high school and I was introduced to him just as he started dating The Gatherer.

The Gatherer's father (before his recent death) was a successful businessman. One of his hobbies was hunting for wild mushrooms every year during a brief period of time in a specific place after heavy rain. This earns him the nickname of Mushroom Hunter. He didn't even eat them after he spent hours wandering around in the brush looking for them. Hunter gave them away, as did Owner, who always went along for the search. It was the thrill of the hunt that captivated the Hunter.

Mushroom Hunter and his wife, Patience (who's still living), acquired a Capuchin monkey about ten years ago. When he came to live with them, Jasper Bottomhugger (hereafter referred to as J.B.), was just a baby. His new "parents" stocked up on Huggies, baby powder, wipes and immediately ordered some outfits specially made for him from a lady in Abilene. I understand he looked fabulous in them.

Eventually, Hunter and Patience abandoned the Huggies when they noticed the diapers were chafing J.B.'s tiny monkey butt. I'm not sure how the potty training went, but I'm assuming they eventually mastered it. I'm certain Owner would have told me had it been a continuing issue. After a while, the outfits weren't as important, either, because J.B. began acquiring more expensive trinkets.

His first big gift from Hunter and Patience was a Jeep Cherokee. J.B. was allowed to play in the Cherokee whenever his monkey mind was so inclined. When Hunter and Patience took J.B. on his frequent trips to Dairy Queen, they always went in Jasper's Jeep. Unfortunately, DQ was one of the only restaurants they could take J.B. for a snack or dinner out. The Health Department is so picky about allowing monkeys in eating establishments.

During his formative years, the hours between 2:00 p.m. and 4:00 p.m. were reserved for J.B. bonding. Mushroom Hunter left his lucrative business for family time. No one, including their two daughters, were allowed to call and interrupt the primate love fest.

J.B. still lives with Patience and, no doubt, misses The Hunter terribly. Since the Mushroom Hunter died, Owner doesn't spend much time at the family farm. Hunter, along with Owner, were the silver hairs in his life. They were his role models. Sometimes I feel a little sad for him. Then I remember Patience's dedication to J.B.'s happiness and his many amenities, some of which involved massive additions to the family farm. I'm sure he's fine.

There are plenty more Jasper Bottomhugger stories to explore. They belong to the chronicle of Crazy Land. Stay tuned.


Jilly Bean said...

When I was very young, I was convinced that I would have a monkey instead of a child. I suspect Jasper is very sweet and loving, just like my little monkey boy.

vg said...


No monkeys for me. I do not care for them at all.

zennist said...

Hi Jilly! I think he may well be very sweet, but he's very territorial. More on that later. It's good to see you! Hope you're well.

zennist said...

VG, I agree completely. I had a monkey when I was a little girl. He threw poop at me constantly.

Anonymous said...

Laughed to the point of tears!