Poison Pen Emails

I have a list. (Actually, I have many lists, but we're only talking about one of them here.) The list is comprised of people to whom I need to send vicious emails every day. I'm not a stalker. I am also not a crank, despite what my husband says. I'm just a woman who's been pushed to the brink of insanity by irritating humans I do not know. (One of the other lists includes the folks I do know.) Here's a partial inventory which, as it turns out, has lots of CNN personalities.

Glenn Beck. God I hate that guy. I'd like to send him an email every day asking, "Is it World War III yet, Glenn?" He talks about that a lot and it clearly makes him giddy. I hate that. People who get happy because they think disaster is imminent are despicable. Whenever I even see his image on television, I change the station. That's how much I despise him.

Furthermore, Glenn did an interview with Danny Bonaduce a while back. Okay, first of all, anyone who would talk to Danny Bonaduce is a vulture. The guy makes his living being self-destructive. I mean, that's it; that's all he has to offer. If he weren't so annoying, he would be heart breaking. Furthermore, Glenn was trying to act like he used to be a big, bad rebel himself. Right. He probably chewed gum in church or something. Scary. Did I mention that I loathe this guy?

Jerry Falwell. See above (minus the Danny Bonaduce thing). Self-righteous, arrogant, willfully ignorant. I've seen the real face of Jerry Falwell and I assure you it is not the love of Jesus that shines through. I got really clear on that when he had the nerve to say that America deserved 9/11 because we're so sinful. Email every day that says, "The TeleTubbies are gay. How many kids do you think are, at this very moment, turning gay because of them? Or maybe it's you. You actually make me ashamed to be straight. Dickhead."

Let's just lump some of them together. It'll save time in the long run. George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld. You know what I'm saying. I'm not sure one email would be enough to cover the many reasons I think they're detestable. They'd all have to get three or four a day.

Dick Morris. Slime. Political slime...it doesn't get much worse than that. He has the audacity to get on tv and regularly act indignant and self-righteous about the total dearth of morals and intelligence in both the Republican and Democratic parties. He actually thinks he's better than Bill Clinton, even though he was regularly trying to impress hookers with his White House connections. Let me just say that again. Hookers.

Bill O'Reilly. That goes without saying, right?

Don Imus. Even before the racial comments. That fucking hat drives me nuts. "You're inside, asshole. Take off your hat. Were you raised in a barn?"

Nancy Grace. "Dear Nancy, could you possibly be more dramatic? Calm down. Let people finish their sentences. And for God's sake, stop playing that annoying music while people are trying to answer one of your questions."

Oh dear. I grow weary thinking about how worked up I get about these people. I started off this post (about 45 minutes ago) talking about my upcoming visits to Houston to be tested, prodded and generally mistreated in order to find out whether I have more cancer. I deleted all of that. Hatred is so much better than anxiety. It's energizing, unlike worry which leaves you with that jittery, empty feeling.

No point in beating a dead horse. The list is too long to enumerate them all here. You're welcome to disagree with me. Or to think I need to get a life. Whatever. You can decide for yourself to whom you'd like to send daily hate emails. I'm just saying that, when life regularly kicks you in the ass, the least you can do is send somebody emails.